The Big 10

As of 12-3-12.

I know I always start off these monthly posts with exclaiming how crazy the time has flown and how so much has changed. While a lot of things have changed, I have to admit this month has drug by to no end, and has been a real rough one in it's entirety. It's definitely had it's ups, but the downs have kind of made me forget what the ups were!
I have still UBER failed on keeping B's "private" blog on her day to day, week to week progress since I got here. Thankfully I'm still a pen and paper planner keeper and that's been the only way I have kept up with anything.
I have to start off by getting the elephant in the room off my chest.
Deployments are so stinking hard.
You'd think by deployment #3 that one would be used to this lifestyle, but I am learning more and more that each one has it's own set of challenges and adversities no matter how "experienced" you are.
Having a baby makes it 100 times harder.
The burden one has to carry in what John and I have named, "geographical single parenting,"is such a heavy one, and I would be lying if I said there weren't days where I just didn't want to get up out of bed and face the day.
Brynlee is such a joy and I am so proud to be her mother, even on the bad days.
But those days when I wake up to that little whisper of "Da-da?" for the billionth morning in a row, it just starts to make you a little angry inside.
Ok, a lot angry.
Not really sure what/who I am angry at, I'm finding I'm becoming just an ill person in general.
I harbor feelings of anger, guilt, restlessness, regret, exhaustion in multiple ways, the feeling of defeat is something to be conquered on a daily, sometimes hourly basis.
Each day is a new day, meaning a new day of highlights, but also a new day of challenges.
Sometimes I am able to take those challenges head on and not be phased.
But sometimes when I am faced with my first one of the day, it's all I have not to just throw in the towel and walk away.
Not literally. You know what I mean.
I am slowly learning, through this trial and error, that I am not meant to be a full time stay at home mom. And I am TOTALLY ok with that.
I don't regret having tried and done it this far, but it's something that I am not sure I want to do again...I know I'm saying this extremely prematurely, but it's how I feel as of now, so my foot is 100% prepared to be inserted in mouth at a future date, with no shame.
I have mentioned before that Brynlee's personality seems like karma payback to me (and those that raised me, sigh), meaning that as precious as she can be, she can also be an absolute STINK.
There's no real grey area.
I am learning, that's it's kind of an either/or thing.
Because I am pretty much the same way, the way we feed off each other is kind of dangerous, and the hardest part is to be the adult in the room!
I have to say though, that among all the chaos I call my life, there are days where I just look at her playing and just sit there thinking, is she really mine?
Did I really "make" that?
She's just such a cutie, even when she's in a funk it can be entertaining to watch, especially now that she's older. She's such a little explorer, and in such fine detail.
She'll sit in my parents living room and trace the designs in the rug, over and over and over, going over every little dot and detail.
Playing peek-a-boo is pretty much the best thing ever and now that she pulls up on everything, furniture is fair game to sneak behind.
I hate saying that the bad days have outweighed the good, because it's sounds like such a downer, but honestly this month has just been hard, so there's no real way around it.
Onto the progress!

Last post I mentioned that we were going in for B's 9 month appointment and I knew she'd gained good weight and couldn't wait to see her stats.
Well, once again, I sit in the room completely dumbfounded that she not only did not gain weight, she'd lost half a pound.
Granted she'd grown an inch, but that almost made the weight numbers worse.
Her weight wasn't even on the percentile chart.
Her height was 17%.
It's moments like these that make you question everything that you do as a mom.

Maybe I shouldn't have exclusively breastfed...obviously it wasn't doing enough.
Maybe I shouldn't be so "anti _________" (fill in the blank with anything to be honest)....
Maybe I didn't do _______ right...
If the girl is hungry, I feed her, how can this happen?!
Omg, am I STARVING my kid and don't even know it??
Dude, this mom thing is clearly not for me, take her from me now before she dies of starvation...

Teefers!

Whenever we go into these appointments and the scales go the wrong way it's back to blood work, finger pricks, and nutritionist meetings, and at that moment, I was on the verge of tears thinking about going through that all again.
Prior to the move her weight was shooting up since her last documented weight loss, and this news just knocked me down to the last peg of motherhood I could even find to stand on.
This was our first appointment with our new doctor in CO, and instead of making me feel like a horrible, misinformed mom, he simply said, "Well, you just need to feed her more. Honestly, you are not a very big person, so don't get all bent out of shape about it cause unless your husband is huge, she's just not going to be a big kid."
Instead of making me meet with nutritionists, he sent me home with a list of new things to try to add calories, carbs, and proteins to her diet and scheduled a weight check for a month down the road to see how she did.
That night I went to Whole Foods and spent over $100 on foods on this list to start implementing immediately and to get her on some sort of diet track.
Days after her 10 mos. bday we went in for our weight check and within this last month alone since the diet change, B has grown another inch to 27.5" (29%tile), and gained 2 pounds, putting her weight at 16.4 lbs. (5%tile whoop whoop!!).

Her new diet eventually eliminated pureed foods entirely, leaving her to eat (and me to constantly cook!) pasta, chicken, chicken sausage, quinoa or rice, yogurt, LOTS of different veggies, cheese, toast and pancakes are faves, one of my original anti's is now a must which is putting butter on virtually everything (within moderation)....she's not a huge fruit fan when it comes to finger foods, there are only a few we've been successful with.

On to more fun things, B has gained 3 teeth this month, with a fourth on it's way.
We conquered our fear of hard wood floor crawling (thanks Moss family!)...
We can stand-but not move for fear of falling- if propped into doing so. For some reason falling is terrifying in every way.
We had our first Halloween, Thanksgiving, and trip to Vail.
We stood up on our own while in Vail (didn't get picture proof, will work on that)!

So...what else has been going on?

My brother got injured on his senior day (go figure...) bringing him home for the semester early for complete knee replacement surgery (hence the trips to surgeons and rehab in Vail). It's been hard to watch this whole chapter of his life unfold, but I'm so proud of how he's handling it. I keep telling him it's ok to be mad, it's ok to be a bit angry, but he's refusing to let it get to him and I have to admire him so much for that.
There are so many things this injury has most likely shut the door on when it comes to that "little" man's future and it's hard for all of us to let that go. All the training, all the NFL scouting/combine talk and prep, all to go away within a matter of seconds has been hard to swallow...and it didn't even happen to US. Sigh....
I just have to give a minute of this blog to tell you how awesome my little "big" brother is, and how mature he's become when it comes to handling adversity in general and allowing God to use him regardless of how it doesn't make sense. It's something I can't do, let alone gracefully, so I just have to give him a mad shout out. :)

Giving Uncle Drew some pre rehab lovin. :)

Drew's new home away from his home away from his dorm. Hmmm....

We had our "quad-annual" election party, sans my parents (because of Drew's injury they were still in MO), and although my poor mother in law come out the only "happy" one at the end of the night, it still made a good reason to hang out, eat some grub, and pop some balloons.

I'm going to school in January to get formal certification in web design....best part is, thanks to the benefits we get through the military, my tuition is 100% paid for. I am starting out the Jan-May semester doing only 3 classes (9 credit hours), one of which is only a month long doing four Sundays in a row, eight hours a day.
This step is something I can't even put into words with how excited I am.
I have been so blessed in this career field, but haven't had enough formal training in it.
We'll just say I know enough to be dangerous, but not adventurous.
I decided, with John deployed, I had the time, the means, and the opportunity, so the only thing preventing it from happening was me.
I have had to work but BUTT off to make it happen, and class hasn't even started yet.
Having the government assist you in paying for anything, regardless of qualifying, means a TON of paperwork and a TON of time to follow up with people that view you as one of a million other people wanting to do the same thing whole feel just as important.
Thanks to the help and support of friends and family, I was able to get the time to make the calls, fill out the forms, follow up the emails all in the name of my love of learning, and I CANNOT WAIT.
It will take the full year for me to get the complete certification because of going part time, but the fact that my tuition is 100% paid for, regardless (well, I have to pass of course), makes the pressure so much easier to handle.
With that comes the whole childcare conundrum that all parents face when working/school part time/full time.
I have been to private schools, development centers, and am currently exhausting home care options, all trying to figure out the best way to make this transition as much of a learning experience for B as it will be for me. Another benefit of all this is that, again, thanks to the our military benefits, her part time childcare is virtually paid for, SUCH a blessing.
I am planning on having her in part time care four days a week for four hours a day. Two days of the four are classes, the other two are errands/gym/homework time.
This has been really hard for me to figure out, and it's built a huge respect factor from me for the parents that have had to do this with much younger children, and because they didn't have a choice to stay home like I do.
It's made me realized how blessed I am, but it's also made me realize how paranoid I am about leaving B anywhere. She's never been in childcare minus the church nursery and the gym nursery, and honestly, having a good day in either hasn't occurred yet.
BUT, Brynlee will be two weeks shy of her first birthday by then, and I'm hoping with age comes a smidge of maturity and curiosity to be social with other kiddos her age.
I am cautiously optimistic, all the while have complete mommy panic, but whenever I am this way, she ALWAYS proves me wrong, so here's to optimism!

Stuck on the tarmac, so taking pictures
for baby distraction. :)

I attended my 5 year college reunion in Bethany, OK.
Whoa. Five years?
While there it felt like we'd graduated just yesterday, but while away it feels like a totally different life.
Although getting to see and visit with everyone was SO fantastic, the trip there and then back home made it absolutely miserable.
This was B and my first flight solo, and I swear after this experience I will NEVER do it again.
Every single plane to OK and back to CO was delayed...not just delayed, but HOURS delayed, sometimes stuck on the tarmac for the dumbest things ever...like:
"We have too much luggage on the plane, we need to turn around and unload some of it, sorry if the bags being unloaded are yours, it'll catch up to your final destination eventually."
Not joking.
Plus they lost our stroller and car seat that were gate checked luggage.
I'm still not sure how that actually happens. I'm not sure that they are sure, to be honest.
Needless to say when mom picked B and I up from the COS airport she slept almost three hours when we got home.

I turned 28.
Enough said about that.
BUT my birthday twin/niece Emery turned 2, so that's awesome. :)

I have come to realize through this month of selfish self pity and loneliness, that the only one that can make the bad day spin around is me.
I set the tone.
I am planning on spending this next month relishing all the good and the bad with Brynlee, realizing that although she can absolutely drive me insane somedays, that this time is fleeting and too fast, at that.
I am already starting to plan her 1st birthday party and have too many ideas and not enough time or sense to implement them all.
I have been asked, by both friends and family, why I am already planning/buying into a party for a baby that's not even going to remember it.
And for me, that answer is simple, it's not just her turning one, it's just as much for me hitting a milestone that I kept another human alive for that length of time!
Albiet underweight, but other than that, somewhat successfully. :)

Must. Crawl. Over. EVERYTHING.

My Halloween fish face. :)

Our Brynlee Bug. :)

Wishing Star Farms pumpkin picking.

Thanksgiving 2012. :)

Thanksgiving is AWESOME!! :)

The Nines

Happy little 9 month b-day to our little Bryn bug!

As of her 9 month "bday," Oct 26th, we are currently up to 32 days without daddy, est. 18 of which he's been actually deployed. We've been able to Skype with him once since he deployed. The internet connection is awful, so there have been several failed attempts that leaves B bored, while waiting around, and me bummed.
Every times she's in my room and see's my computer on, she'll start her little head bop and holler out "Da?" or sometimes "Bob?" We have no idea who 'bob' is, but he's very popular, almost more than da. I have also noticed if she's fussing at me for something and I'm not responding fast enough or at all, that after a couple tries she'll resort to calling out for her "da" instead.
Smart girl.
That will get her somewhere someday!
Since he left we've actually managed to stay pretty busy, having only a few, here and there, "boring" days where I have to make up something for us to do.
Next week is B's 9 month appointment with her new doctor and I am really excited to see what her weight/height progress has been. I went ahead and bumped her to size three diapers, she's almost completely grown out of her 6-9 month clothes and is wearing a solid 9 month with some of those even getting a little snug in the length.
I swear since we've been in CO her hair has doubled in thickness.

Avocado is our #1 food right now.

It's hard to remember "back in the day" when I yearned for B to eat real foods because all I could get her to eat was 100% watered down rice cereal.
Nowadays it's the polar opposite, I can't get her to sit and eat a bowl of oatmeal for longer than 5 minutes. If it can be put on her tray and picked up with fingers, she wants to do it on her own.
With this has obviously come with a broader menu which has made things really fun to try.
She's a veggie NUT which is kinda strange, but I'll take it!
The current faves are avocado, black beans, cauliflower, and peas...she'll eat some puree of other things, but prefers to have the real food to feed herself if it's an option.
She also loves watermelon, grapes, cantaloupe, honeydew, and cheese!
She still loves her mum-mums, her wheat or barley teething bars, occasional puffs and even toast if handy, and LOVES the yogurt drops.
The girl can put it down too. I swear she spends half her time between naps eating instead of playing. Could be just a growth spurt, which is what I am hoping it is, but goodness! The girl can seriously pack it down.
With all that, sometimes I struggle to keep her interested in nursing with all these new food options. She still wants to at key times throughout the day, but you can tell that at times it's more out of pure comfort and routine than sustenance.
I honestly don't have a nursing plan for after 1 year, I never thought beyond that! I still don't really know what my goal is past the first year, but unlike everything else I do, I'm going to kinda let her decide when she's done, within reason!

Crawling!

With all that, I know she's gained weight and height based on her jumperoo alone!
When we first got to CO, her little ballerina toes barely touched the ground, now they not only touch but her knees are bent, most likely me needing to raise it up a level here soon. Downside is that she's less entertained by it nowadays because she's crawling!
Three days after her daddy left us in CO she started crawling.
THREE DAYS.
I was so happy and so bummed at the same time. She started off with huge crawling lunges. The awkwardness of it reminded me of a new foal or calf learning to walk...Large and exaggerated 'steps' with lots of little face plants in between.
She's now graduated to full on crawl 'sprinting' and more recently starting to pull up on objects and crawl up and over things/laps/legs.
Now that we are finding our new "normal" routine this has included several different childcares which has been anything but easy.
First experience was at the church daycare and she seems to be doing "ok."
"Ok," as in, her nursery # isn't flashed on the screen to come get her, but yet they have to hold her or feed her snacks the whole time to keep her from fussing.
We've also continued using the gym daycare every once in a while and that's a major work in progress.
We've also used Grandma Christian on occasion and that's a work in progress as well. She's getting MUCH better with Grandma C the more we hang out with her both at our house and at hers, so I see it improving a lot as time goes by, thank goodness!
The childcare hatred is totally my fault and I'm trying my best to remedy it. I had her off to a good start leaving her with friends when I occasionally went into work, but once that stopped, so did the occasional stay over and now we're fighting the separation anxiety big time. She shows progress on some days, then other days it's like starting all over, so persistence is key!
Right before B's 9 month bday she started getting in her top two teeth and BOY what a trial it's been.
It seriously reminds me of when she was a "new" newborn where sometimes you get to that point where they are fed, clean, warm, and they still just cry and there's not much you can do.
She's been extra clingy, which at first I didn't mind, but after about a week of it, I was starting to go a little crazy.
She earned the new nickname of 'Snots' during this time (for multiple reasons) and it's a symptom she still has even now that they have barely broken through.
I think my mom put it best, "Sometimes there are easy babies, and sometimes there are hard babies. Your's is just not an easy one..."
True THAT.
I truly feel that teething is of the devil and that it's the second consequence of the Original Sin in some demented way.
I totally feel for her, and I can see why she's in so much pain, but baby Tylenol, Hylands, and Orajel can only go on for so long!

Pulling up, where'd my baby go!?

With all these changes also came a change in our daily routine which is something we just changed recently.
B was still on a three nap a day schedule, mainly because the move here pulled us back a bit with the time change. Now that we're pretty set I noticed that the #2 middle nap wasn't really a nap anymore...it was more of a "my bed is a trampoline!" type of experience.
SO we've moved to a two nap a day schedule and it's something we're all still trying to get used too.
Either we struggle to keep her entertained long enough to keep her awake-yet tired, OR we get her too riled up to where she won't take the second nap at all and just plays in her bed the whole time.
Most people probably wouldn't mind this, but our #1 thing from day one is that beds are for sleeping, not playing, so we're having to nip it in the bud...my little diva just takes a little more time to adjust to change than most (John says she get's that from me, but I don't see it)....


We stayed uber busy this month with several adventures.
First was our trip through the mountains to see the aspens change and hang out in Cripple Creek.
Trips like this remind me why I love CO so much.
You just don't see things like this anywhere else I've been!

Sorry ladies...#29 is mine!

Loving Uncle Drew. :)

We went to Missouri to see her Uncle Drew play in his Homecoming football game for Evangel. She also got to meet my uncles and cousins that she hadn't met yet, it was a blast and she wasn't spoiled in the least.

Ha. Haha.
She was SUCH a sport during the whole weekend of events and I'm SO thankful for all of my family's help with her. I actually got to sit and enjoy the trip instead of being consumed in 'single' mommy-hood and that alone made the trip worth it! Well, hanging out at the lake house wasn't so bad either, but ya know...

Pumpkin Patch with
Grandma Christian!

Towards the end of this month B and I, along with Uncle Jerrod, Grandma Christian, Aunt Karen, and B's cousins, Audrey and Emery, went to the pumpkin patch at Wishing Star Farms in Black Forest.
It was a blast and I'm so glad we went!
Again, B was SUCH a great sport and Grandma Christian was in her element holding her youngest grand while following around her other two.

Our little ladybug. :)

To debut our very first Halloween costume that daddy picked out, we went with her cousins again to an event at our local zoo, called Boo at the Zoo. It was cold, but it was a blast, and I loved getting to show off our little lady bug.

On B's actual 9 month birthday I actually had her babysat by Grandma Christian while my mom and I went to the Nevada vs. AF game. It was a whopping 17 degrees outside for the evening game, but it was still fun! I just love football season, I love a good game, and I love CO, so it made for a great mother daughter date, all the while Grandma Christian was getting in some major baby lovings, WIN-WIN.






We're glad the deployment has started and that we've finally settled in to our new temporary home. I'm looking forward to the holidays ahead with B's first Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and then her 1st birthday. I know that it's going to be hard to have genuine fun in all the festivities knowing how far away "da" is, but we're making the best of it!
We finally got John's address in Afghanistan and already sent him one small "Happy Halloween" care package and have another one ready to be sent. I have to admit that care packages are a bit more fun to send with a baby's touch to it. I imagine they are much more special to receive from a baby as well!
Until next time!

Missing you "da!"

Cripple Creekin' with PawPaw. :)

Evangel football with Ashleigh!

Blessed with an amazing view from the Branson lake house.

Pumpkin Patch with Uncle J. 

BOO at the Zoo. 

Pulling up on toys, sigh.

Fall Festival with Auntie Kristen!

Blast from the past...

One thing I learned very quickly once Bryn was born, is how quickly a variety of toys become a necessity for day to day entertainment.
At times not just for her, but for me too!

Wearing some pj's that were mine as a babe.
(2 mos.)

I always thought my mom was a little weird for hanging on to everything of Drew's and mine-everything from our baby clothes, our homework and school projects, to our toys both as babies and as we grew older into Barbie's and GI Joes, etc.
Being a mom now myself, I totally can relate to her hoarding, and am actually really grateful for it.
We moved 95% of Bryn's toys here to CO when we moved, and my mom added in some awesome toys that have quite the history to them and I love the fact that B is just as entertained by them as she is by her "new" more modern toys.
Some of the most popular toys that Bryn has latched onto are books. She is definitely her mother's daughter when it comes to books, she just loves them, and I couldn't be more thrilled. I lived and breathed books, especially as a child, and really hope she finds the same draw to them that I have (her daddy does too, haha).

What I appreciate even more so than my mom hanging on to all the books I had as a child, is my late grandmother, Katherine, that held onto my dad and his sister's books as they were kids too! These books have a little more wear and tear on them, but the fact that her handwriting is in them with my aunt's and dad's names just add such amazing character to them and I love the fact that they are part of B's library. I appreciate so much the value both my grandma's, all my aunts, and my mom placed on reading,writing, creativity, and imagination growing up...I can't wait to implement the same influence with B.

My dad's and aunt's books.

Books of mine and Drew's as a kids.

Can't go wrong with Peter Rabbit-
given to me by my late grandmother,
Katherine O'Cain.

What I enjoy the most is playing with Bryn with toys that were mine as a child. Funny part is that at times I remember playing with some of these toys myself and seeing it come full circle is just SO cool. The fact that she can find the same enjoyment that I had from these toys, here 27 years later, just speaks volumes to not only their educational value, but also their sentimental value.

Hopefully she'll find the same attachment and wonder of them when she's sharing them with her kids someday. 

My first doll, Lolly.
Stacking/color/counting cups.
Shape/color puzzle.
A cloth old woman with her cloth kids in a cloth shoe.
Ring stacking tower.
Cloth castle with a matching cloth joker, princess, prince, and his white horse.

Crazy 8...

So I am a little behind in this, and to be completely honest with you, I have done a horrendous job of documenting everything on Bryn this last month thanks to the move.
I looked back in my private Brynlee journal/bloggy thing, and I haven't updated since her 7 month birthday.
Sigh.
So here goes nothing, and Brynlee, if you ever read this in the future, sorry!
We are now moving into 6-9 month clothes and recently ventured into size 3 diapers.. We're still doing three naps a day giving the time change to CO and the move due time to set in before moving her to a possible two-a-day nap routine.

such a good sleeping babe!

I can't say enough how awesome having her sleep trained is. I am not a 100% Baby Wise mom, but after putting it's method's through the ringer these past couple weeks, I am grateful that I have been such a stickler to sticking to her Baby Wise schedule. It's paid off so much not only for her, but for me in all the madness as well. She not only has continued to sleep the night despite the move, but has transitioned into CO time fairly quickly, taking about a week.

This sounds bad, but I was praying over and over daily that Brynlee wouldn't become mobile before this move.
I needed her to stay in one place while the frenzy of packing swirled around her and to not envelope her. Thankfully she continued to keep her booty popping self contained to her blanket in the living room and only scoot backwards on occasion.

Celery is the first "green" she
would take, let alone finally a "real" food!

We had her last weigh in with the dietician on the 31st, and without having her papers in front of me, she has finally more than doubled her birth weight plus some. I believe she was at 15.2lbs when we left. Her eating habits still consist of nursing 5-7 times a day and pureed baby foods. It wasn't until we got to CO that she finally started showing any interest whatsoever in "real" foods. It's still a work in progress on the "real" food front, but as far as purees go, the girl has become a tank.
She's eaten anywhere between 3-4 jars of food before showing any signs of disinterest--and that's per meal. I have her eating 2-3 meals a day on top of nursing, so yeah, girl is "pudging" up for winter and I completely approve. :)
I have learned the hard way--she hates anything green.
Well, any vegetable that is.
I have NO clue why because I LOVE my green's but it has taken me mixing greens with non greens for her to eat any at all.

As I have said before, on the 5th, Brynlee, Katie Hyskell, Jax, Bella, and I flew out of FAY to DEN and then drove from Denver to COS. I know I mentioned this before, but I have to say it again, Bryn constantly proves me wrong in so many ways and I love it.
She flew beautifully, making friends with the other passengers--it couldn't have gone any better.
She and I spent our first few days in CO, sans daddy, again, getting situated and getting her new room set up. It took all of leave plus some to get it all complete, but I'm proud to say it's 95% complete now.
It was really important to me that her room try to stay as normal as possible in this temporary stay in CO. Her furniture was the only "big" things we moved.
I wasn't sentimental in this move, not bringing any pictures, or anything like that for me, but her room is a totally different story. Everything that was up in her old room is up in her new room, with even more wall space for daddy pictures to hang and talk to her about.

Cousins!

Bryn finally got to meet her aunts, uncles, and cousins on her daddy's side, which was really awesome. Uncle Jerrod and Aunt Brittany made sure she's continuing to style in Bronco attire while she's here, poor girl doesn't stand a chance.

We had her dedicated on the 9th with family friends which was really an amazing experience. Couldn't have gone any better all time constraints considered!
Well, and the Broncos beat the Steelers that day too, pretty much awesome.

We used leave to do as much family stuff as possible. This included a aunt/uncle/cousin trip to the zoo, a trip up Pikes Peak, our first trip to the park which was a first for swings, slides, and grass.
I signed Bryn up for the nursery at New Life Church and am really excited for her to get situated in this new aspect of our weekend routine. I have missed it dearly.
Some family friends of mine that I've known since elementary school, actually run the nursery there, so I was super happy and relieved in this transition.

I joined a gym since getting into town which is the Gold's Gym that my parents go to, about 2 miles from the house. They have child care available so I opted to pay extra for that and plan to use it as a means to get her socialized with other kids while I get my butt back in pre pregnancy shape (still 15lbs to go, darn leave and John's food bucket list).

Back to the crawling bit, once we got to CO I begged the opposite of the poor babe.
I did anything and everything possible to try to get her to crawl while her daddy was home, but it just didn't happen. It was SO stinkin' close, but just wasn't in the cards.

On the 23rd I left her with my parents for the longest I have ever left her with anyone.
It was the day John and I had the Bronco game in Denver, so we had our morning routine with her, where John had his final goodbyes.
We left when she went down for her first nap, and I didn't get back into town until about midnight-ish after dropping John off at DIA.

Although this is the most choppiest blog entry I have ever written, one thing that has stood out and that I have to stress again is how amazing my daughter is.
She has transitioned so beautifully in all this that I can't help but sing her praises.
Not only has she continued to sleep the night, every night since we got here, but with already adjusting to mountain time (two hours diff),  crawling and finally eating some "real" foods, I swear the girl is headed off to college tomorrow and I can't stand it.
I am one of those sad moms.
Instead of getting all super stoked about the milestones she achieves, I get uber sad and have a hard time not taking it personally.
IDK why, but every time she ventures into something new I get a huge dose of reality that it's one step closer to her not "needing" me as much as I want her too.
It's a fantastic problem to have and I am so blessed with an amazing baby that, as diva as she is, she brings so many smiles to my life that I rarely remember what made me as happy before she was born.

John is back in NC and is leaving later this week for our first deployment to Afghanistan, third deployment overall. This is our first deployment with him as a K9 handler, let alone a bomb dog at that.
I am relieved in the fact that Denzel, John's bomb dog, is a veteran bomb dog, having been deployed before. He and John have meshed so well and I really couldn't be happier all things considered. It helps to know he's in good hands (paws?).

Sleeping while I enrolled
in classes.
Such a good sport!

One of the first things John helped me accomplish when we got to CO was to get admitted and enrolled in some continuing education classes while I was here. I was already late, the semester already started about 3 weeks prior, but was able to squeeze into at least one late start online class I had been wanting. I got everything all set up to find that we had missed the military education financial assistance by 5 days and that the software I have is already outdated (it's a year old, dang it)  requiring me to upgrade all my software.
I ended up dropping it in the end, but have every intention of picking it back up plus a few others in January, now that I have time to financially prepare for the software upgrade and also meet the criteria and due dates of the financial assistance they have for us military spouses.
I am super excited about this and am even more excited that I have such eager hands to help me with Brynlee while I continue to pursue what I love.
Since I dropped the class I have opted to take these next couple months to relish the final months of my little girl's first year and kind of taking a breather considering how insane the last few months felt prior and during the move.

We sure do appreciate all of your kind thoughts, words, and especially prayers prior, during, and here after the move and as John heads out on this deployment.
We are so humbled by the outpouring of kindness from our friends, family, and even strangers that we run into.
Moving here was the #1 best thing we could do for Bryn and I.
As hard as it was for John to bring us here and then leave us here, be assured he wanted this for us.
A calm frame of mind is what he needs for this next year of being away and we are in the best place for him to be that way.
Watching Bryn with her family, on both sides, makes it worth it.
Her smile is radiant and I never want to miss it and I feel so blessed to be her mom and to take care of her while her daddy is away.
No one here can replace him that is for sure.
The morning after John left, I woke up alone, in bed, to the sound of her voice over the baby monitor, calling, "Da? Da da da!"
She knows him. She'll remember him if I have anything to do with it.
She still, on occasion, will be playing around in her bed, and will call out, "Da?"
It's hard to picture what this time next year will be like.
She'll be closer to two than the babe she is now, and I can't fathom missing that.
My heart hurts for John, not being able to understand how he feels--still trying to figure out how I feel about all this.
This rambling gets me all emotional, so I need to stop!
In ending, all I know is that this baby will never go to bed not being secure in how loved she is and will also constantly be reminded of who her daddy is and how much he loves and misses her.

Pre Deployment Leave

So, as with other deployments, one thing that's not different is that we still got a pre deployment leave.
It started the 4th of September and ended September 25th, 2012.
He was SO close to being here for her 8 mos birthday. :(
The first week of leave really just consisted of us all getting to CO, preferably in one piece.
With one cat carrier handle being the only real casualty of the move, I say success was ours.
As mentioned in the prior post, the first real big thing we did is have Brynlee's dedication & BBQ which was an absolute blast.
What I never mentioned about it is how awful the timing of it was!
Not only did I schedule it for days after we arrived, which really was just insane on my part, but my mother's aunt passed away a few weeks prior and had the memorial service scheduled for the same weekend. Lots of weird emotions running that weekend for the whole house.

Prior to baby life, we have always spent pre deployment leaves, mid tour leaves, and post deployment leaves as a free for all when it comes to entertainment.
"Usually" budgets go out the window and it's one giant spending spree on knocking out the "I MUST do this before I deploy" bucket list.
Some of this includes my participation, some of it includes my permission, haha.
We did a lot of family stuff, but I also kicked John out the door to hang out with the guys and do "man" things with his brothers and friends.

Some things on the aforementioned bucket list are easy peasy, such as eat at Chipotle for every other meal, eat at PF Changs for all other meals, eat a lot of Cold Stone ice cream, and generally just hit up any other restaurants we've been neglected from while in NC. We went and saw the new Batman movie, SANS baby which was a biggy for us!
John went out with his brother's and Scott for a guys day where they went ATVing and off-roading. We had lots of BBQ's, dinners with friends, and lots of baby adjustments when it came to meeting all these new people including family.
This year we added some "real" biggy's that definitely stretched our limits when it came to baby tolerance.
I just have to put in here that Bryn has adjusted BEAUTIFULLY and amidst all the chaos and change of time zones, she has been SUCH a trooper and couldn't have asked for anything better.
Even when she was screaming crying, most the time it was 100% warranted so we didn't stress about it.

One highlight was going up Pikes Peak.
I've driven and rode up the Peak, but somehow in John's entire life of being born and raised in CO has never gone to the top, so it was a must.
Connie, John's mom, went with us and overall Brynlee was a TOTAL trooper.
We sat across from three older ladies from PA who by the end of our train journey were accepted into the Brynlee "you may hold me " club.

Another bucket list must was that we got family pictures taken.
I know it seems like all that's ever posted on FB is professional pictures of some sort, but these pictures were extra special and honestly were more for John and Brynlee than anyone.
Bryn's 6 month pictures were originally planned to be family pictures, but the Army came a'callin and John couldn't do them with us so it became a mother-daughter/baby picture day.
Considering John's pre deployment training and schedule, we hadn't had family pictures together since she was 5 days old, so it was LONG overdue.
These pictures are for him to have on deployment and for her to have and see her daddy while he's gone, so the pictures consisted mainly of the three of us, then the two of them this time. They turned out GREAT (have I ever mentioned how amazing our photographer here in the Springs is? Holly Pacione did our wedding and I am just thrilled we are working together again now that we are three!).

Holly Pacione Photography.

Holly Pacione Photography.

We ended leave on a huge bang by surprising John with Denver Broncos tickets.

Matching Bronco gear of COURSE!

He'd never been to any professional sporting event ever, so this was a biggy and I got extremely giddy over how it all panned out.
I hadn't been to a Bronco game since high school, so it felt like a new experience for me too!
The day before the game I contacted the Broncos letting them know about John deploying and that we were going to be at the game, etc.
I got a call back within an hour from a girl named Amanda that was actually born and raised at Fort Bragg, NC and was there just last week when her brother came home with the 82nd. She said she could actually get us on the field during the American flag pledge of allegiance and for the Air Force fly over!
I was SO stoked.
We were SO stoked.
I won't lie, I gave myself some major wife kudos for that one.

Practice makes perfect!

AMAZING experience. 

The night before the game was a hard one.
I stayed on my parents main floor in a baby cleaning frenzy (it's my de-stressor) while John put his baby girl to bed for the last time.
One thing you learn really quickly with the military lifestyle is that every deployment is different and brings it's own set of challenges.
This one is no exception to that rule.
Not only is John going to Afghanistan this time as opposed to Iraq like the last 2 deployments, but leaving behind his baby girl has proved to be the hardest thing ever for BOTH of us.
There are no words or warning that can ever explain this feeling.
How would you spend your last bedtime with your baby??
I let them have their bedtime rituals alone so he could have his face time, but it made me ache all over. Just knowing what was going through his mind as he was up there with her....I could never walk away, and I hate the fact that this time it's not just me he's walking away from.
We both are feeling a loss for her, lots of tears and anxiety....her smiley self has no idea the hurt we are feeling for her and never want her to feel.
It's the hardest burden I have ever carried in my almost 28 years of life and I don't wish it on anyone.
It's gotten to the point where we cope better not to talk about it or focus on it.
Ignorance is bliss??
I don't know, but as of right now it's working for me.
Any of my friends that have experienced a deployment with me before know that the best way I cope is to consume myself with so many distractions that I don't have a choice but to not talk about it or focus on it.
In order to ignore what was looming ahead we spent his last day in CO in Denver at the Broncos vs. Texans game and had an absolute blast.
If they had won, it woulda been better, but ya know...you win some you lose some.
We went to LODO after the game to Cheesecake Factory and went to DIA.
His flight was at 1 am (his idea not mine!) and of course with all the pandemonium going on in my brain I had bought the tickets for the wrong day causing us to pay about $200 in fees to get him on that night's flight.
Def helped leaving on a good note, right?
Right.....
We sat in DIA for a couple hours eating cheesecake and looking over the pictures we took from the game, honestly just wasting time not wanting to say goodbye.

Well, obviously the goodbyes took place, cause here I am.....and there he is, leaving NC the end of this week.
I won't lie, I kinda prefer green ramp goodbyes now that I have had done an airport goodbye.
At least at green ramps, misery loves company??
Walking away alone in the airport is just miserable.
Plus the parking garage is scarier at midnight at DIA by yourself....just a future mental note.

If I could press anything to anyone, military or not, please tell/show your babies how much you love them and spend all the free time that you have with them.
Even when you are tired, been working all day, the kitchen is a mess, laundry not folded, animals not fed---it can wait.
Our little family is blessed in so many ways and here I go, against my nature, fighting the "feeling sorry for myself" blues, but as cliche as it sounds, please hug your babies a little tighter and a little longer when you put them in bed tonight...there are lot of daddies and mommies out there that won't get too and are sacrificing everything so that theirs is safe at home without them.
Deployment #3 here we go.....