Now, oddly enough, I was not always this way. It's something that slowly worsened as I grew older and watched freaky things that totally didn't help my psyche.
Growing up, my family never really "celebrated" Halloween.
I remember one time as a small kid dressing up as a cute little clown (I actually HATE clowns as an adult! Thanks to the movie "IT") and any other time I dressed up as something appropriate for a church Neewollah event.
A cat, most the time.
Completely innocent and free of any freaky interpretation.
As an older kid/pre teen/teen I HATED dressing up. So I never did.
I think it was mainly a self confidence issue. I don't like putting myself in a situation where I could look stupid or dumb in front of others, therefore, I chose not to test the waters much by avoiding this holiday in every way, shape, or form. Especially situations that would consist of me having to dress up.
As a teen, gory or freaky movies never bothered me. I can't say I loved them, but if a group of friends were going to a scary movie, I was down and had a great time. I remember watching "The Ring" with John (when we were dating!) and our dear friends Scott and Katie (they are married now too!) and we all freaked out when in the middle of the movie the TV went static (Scott had rolled over on the remote, LOL). I was exciting and funny to me then.
Once I got into college, things went downhill.
The main "event" I remember that began my Halloween demise, is being at Sarah Sturgis's house when we were all watching "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre."
Usually gory movies don't bother me, but for some reason, this movie threw me into another dimension I had never entered before.
Maybe it was the fact that some of the guys decided it'd be hilarious to sneak out of the house and pound on the windows during a scary part.....
Maybe it was Chris Jones sneaking up behind me and breathing down my neck and in my ear!
.....Maybe it was Becca Venheim throwing up at one point cause the movie grossed her out that much??
.....It could also be the fact that on my drive to CO from OKC we drive through a part of Texas where there's a heavily wooded stretch of road between two small towns that has TONS of warning signs screaming at you to not pick up hitchhikers.....
IDK, maybe all those things combined?
Either way, I went home that night to the dorm and laid wide awake and frozen in my bed with the cold sweats. My heart was pounding. I had sweat literally running down my face. Every time I opened my eyes I could see "Leatherface" staring at me overhead....like a ghost floating over my bed.
Starting that night, I never slept in darkness or in the quiet ever again.
My weird phobia took a extreme twist when my group of college friends went to Tulsa with my girl, Laurie Tomlinson (Martin). We went and saw "The Grudge."
Needless to say I was secretly in tears most of the movie and hand my hands over my eyes. Hence began my phobia of Asian people.
I know that sounds bizarre and maybe even racist, but I PROMISE it's not like that.....
This new twist along with my heightened anxiety at night when trying to sleep-I was a mess.
I remember being at home during summer break in college and waking up from a nightmare and I swear to this day there was a creepy little dead Asian girl standing at the foot of my bed.
I know how weird that sounds, but you have no idea how much it gripped me.
I remember working at Mimi Maternity in college.
Most nights I'd work by myself in the store, and I remember one night specifically where this beautiful Asian woman and her two small boys came in the store to shop. I was petrified. Especially by the boys. If you've seen "The Grudge" you'd know why!
This fear gripped me especially during Halloween when people would spook people in masks or dress up as real creepy things that looked WAY to real for me to handle.
I was scared to go to sleep. I was scared of the dark. EVERYTHING would make me jump.
Slammed doors. People coming through doors I didn't see. Car horns. People coming up behind me in anyway.....
While living back home I slowly got over my Asian phobia....LOL.
I am proud to say that being around Asian people no longer bothers me (unless it's in a spooky way, like a scary movie preview!) and I have several friends (I love you Christie Chan!!) that are Asian that laugh it off with me.....every once in a while I'll see an Asian child running through a store and I'll stop short and then slowly talk myself down from thinking about it.
By my senior year of college, I managed to at least sleep with the TV turned off. Still had the lights on and substituted the sound of the TV to a more subtle sound of a fan.
Moving back home after college was not a good experience at first because I was back in my room where I saw that dead girl. I would not sleep without a light on, my door locked, and a fan or space heater going for some white noise.
So if you look at where this all stems from (scared of clowns thanks to the movie "IT," scared of Asians, thanks to "The Grudge," scared of creepy dudes "Texas Chainsaw"), it seems like I have a serious issue differentiating "pretend" from reality.
I actually think it's a control issue. Or lack thereof.
I also think that it's related to my freak out sessions at the ocean. I CANNOT stand being in the ocean. I love to look at it and love to be on the beach. But the water and I are NOT friends. My freakout with that happened in Mexico when John and I went snorkeling on a reef during our cruise. I accidentally floated to the "wrong" side of the reef and when I looked over all I saw was black darkness....it was the vast open ocean and all the sudden I felt so small to the point where I panicked. John had to float me back to the other side of the reef cause I was so frozen. I had no control.
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| Photo taken at our photography studio at work. |
Granted I don't know who half of these character's are but it was great watching everyone have such a great time.
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| My worst enemy. |
Until this guy showed up at the shoot.
Oh Em Gee.
I was snapping pics (like the one above) in the studio and turned around and saw this.
My jaw dropped, brain went blank, palms sweating, heart almost exploded, tears welled up, and instantly started looking for the door. I made a comment as I was scrambling away that he was freaking me out, in which he slowly turned his head and looked straight at me.
He was holding a bloody machete by the way.....
I started walking towards the group away from him and he followed me!....Not even cool....Luckily it was total pandemonium in the studio and no one noticed me panicking looking for the nearest exit.
Everyone kept asking, "Who is that?"
No one could figure out who it was and he wouldn't speak!
Which just freaked me out even more.
The group quickly disbursed to parade their outfits throughout the plant (especially customer service whom we were attempting to beat this year) allowing me to own my sweet escape!
Sigh.
Most of the time I will not fully admit I have all these fears.
It makes me feel like a kid and of course it's always hard for someone to admit something they are scared of. For me it's a series of things and I am slowly over time somewhat coming to terms with a couple of them. I've actually had to overcome them big time with John deployed. He isn't here to protect me! LOL.
My first Halloween in NC was fun cause the McNew's were our neighbors and John was home, so we had a great time with the neighbor kids. Every year since then I've always managed to be alone on Halloween forcing me to hide out in my house with my lights off and my pets on my lap ignoring the ringing doorbell.
Last year, I was told by leaving your porch light off that people would skip your house, so I went along with it. My doorbell was still rung! I finally figured out I had left my garage door open, so they obviously knew I was home......duh......
This year I am going trick or treating with some military families and their kids so hopefully that should be a tame event. We are going on post and the kids are all under 8, so I don't foresee it getting too rowdy.
For all of you out there getting ready to get your "Halloween" on this weekend, I apologize on behalf of all us party poopers that do not share your enthusiasm in dressing up for one night. But I swear if you jump out at me with some freaky mask on, I might burst into tears or it's on like donkey kong.
