This Is Me

I live in a world that is not my own that I succumb to in many ways. I live by a code that leaves me to find joy in the small things in life. Not take advantage of anything. Love and learn from everyone I meet in my journey. And especially to learn what it means to be selfless in more ways I thought possible. I am a Army wife. It is what I do. I have a love hate relationship with what I do. But do I regret it? No way.

Friday, May 8, 2015

Bennett Ryan Christian is here!

It's amazing how after a birth, no matter how it went, how epic it can feel.
Epic in good and bad ways.
When Brynlee was born I remember our doula, Dorris Ann, and our Centering nurse coming to visit us at the hospital the next day seeing how we were doing.
If you have read or heard Brynlee's birth story, then you know what a long road of physical healing I was just starting to head down after her birth, and I told Dorris Ann that I didn't know how it was possible people wanted or willingly had multiple kids after what I had just experienced, telling her I was NEVER going to go through that again.
Belinda, the nurse, in all her southern glory quickly replied, "Oh honey child, it'll never be like that again. That little girl lubed up that slip 'n slide of yours so well you'll be farting out babies."
Lovely.
Chateau Domaine de Seneffe,
Seneffe, Belgium
Melinda Mae Photography
Well, fast forward, and here we are pregnant in Belgium.
It's true what they say-you forget the pain and after a while think, oh I could totally do that again.
During my whole pregnancy though, I couldn't help but think back to that conversation wondering what in the world I had done by being pregnant again.
What was I setting myself up for this time!?
I have so many regrets of Brynlee's first couple months of life because I was in so much physical pain that I didn't bond with her like I wished I had, I was so focused on my own self hurt that I didn't cherish her or hold her as much as I could have or should have, I plainly didn't give her my "A" game she totally deserved and needed because I physically and mentally couldn't handle it.
Talk about a long physical and emotional post partum road, let alone our third deployment months after her birth.
As glad as I was about this pregnancy I couldn't help but revert back to the first and only other experience I had with this situation and worry that the same thing was going to happen again and how was I going to handle it differently so I wouldn't have these regrets and sad feelings.

My goal with little man's birth was to remember it and enjoy it.
So much of Brynlee's actual birth I seriously don't remember and have to rely on my mom, mother in law, and John's memories to get the whole picture.
Considering I am in a different country with different circumstances and whole different set of characters this time around, I prepared and set myself up for what I thought was the most easy case scenario of birth, that wasn't a csection, where I would obviously allow myself to go into labor whenever he was ready, but I outright wanted the epidural this time, hoping it would help me not only enjoy the birth of our son, but also remember the joy of it.

Picking up Aunt Karla
at the Brussels Airport.
My Aunt Karla traveled here to Belgium to be my surrogate mom, grandma, and live-in help while we anticipated little man's birth. She was really here to be my and John's insurance policy in case he wasn't immediately available and to be Brynlee's buddy for whenever John and I would be gone.
What a blessing she was (and is!) during this whole story.
The first week she was here it was typical Belgium, raining most the time, so while Brynlee was in school, Karla and I busted out random house projects I never got done, helping me get the house as set up as possible before the pandemonium came.
The second week of her stay was also John's busiest, not only hosting but participating in the certification process for the K9 dog handlers, but also having to do one of the major kennel inspections with his "higher ups" all on the same week as my due date, pretty much meaning he was MIA from home until I went into labor.
This second week of her stay also started the first of two weeks off of school for Brynlee due to spring/Easter break, so I relied on Karla heavily for keeping Brynlee and I occupied while we waited for me to go into labor and luckily the weather fully cooperated--total sunshine!
Our Mons, BE day
exploring the city.
There was lots of baking, crafts, gardening, a trip to Paira Daiza Zoo, visiting the infamous "cheese lady," Thea, from Gouda, an all girls breakfast date in downtown Mons with Jessica which included hiking around Mons, trying anything to induce labor of any kind, to no avail.
Per John's request, "it'd be nice if he didn't come before Friday" due to his work load that week, however I did nothing to really prevent it.
I'm sorry but when you are done, you are done, gotta get this baby out!

The morning of Friday (John wins), April 10th, around 5 am, I woke up to some minor "leaking."
Nothing serious in my mind and although some contractions were here and there, they were nothing worth being concerned about.
John went in to work that morning for kennel care then came home shortly after and just hung out with us ladies.
Neighborhood walk before leaving for
the infamous doc appt. 
I was 40 weeks and 2 days and had a doctor's appointment later that afternoon at 12:20 pm, so we all puttered around the house doing oddball things to pass time until my appointment time-even putting Brynlee in her wagon and taking a good walk down our street to pass time.

***A difference here in Belgium/Europe is how they handle you being past your due date. My doctor best explained it as, "Let the baby choose his birthday."
Unless medically necessary they won't medically induce you here, my doc telling me they'd discuss induction options if I still hadn't gone into labor no sooner than 10 days past my due date.***

Throughout the morning contractions were coming more often, but nothing hard or consistent enough to really be bothered by.
John and I finally loaded up in the car, prepared for our doctor's appointment, and also prepared not to come home from the appointment. Minor contractions or not, my time with my aunt being here to help was slowly dissipating and things needed to get going, so we were going to request my membranes be stripped at this appointment either way. My doctor had previously agreed she'd do this for me at this appointment because of my "situation" (not having family here, and having limited help available).
While sitting in the car on the drive to Epicura in Ath, contractions definitely got worse.
With Brynlee I had horrible back labor and these same feelings were coming back so I found that reclining and stretching out on the ride helped me not feel so pinned down to my seat with no comfortable way to sit.
We got to my appointment and was seen around 1pm where the doctor checked me and said I was "maybe" at a 3-4 cm dilation, but the leaking wasn't my water, just the plug, so nothing really official yet as far as she was concerned.
I sat up and got off her doctor's table and boom.
The hardest contraction I had so far hit so hard, fast and out of no where that it all but sent me to my knees right there in her exam room.
She sent us upstairs to maternity to have the contractions monitored.

After about 30 minutes of laying there with the belly straps, nothing was really happening, nothing too hard or fast like in her office, so the midwife (the maternity wards here in Belgium are run by midwives, not doctors) unhooked me and told me "it's a patient bebe, no worries, go home, take a bath, relax, we have time..."
Kinda discouraged I leaned up and got off her table and boom, again a contraction, hardest one yet, hit fast and hard and again almost sent me to my knees. The midwife had already left the room so I sat there alone for a while, trying to compose myself and then slowly waddled out of the room and met John down in the cafe where he'd gotten us lunch.
The more I sat there trying to eat the more my back was throbbing to where I decided to eat standing up and pretty much torture all the Belgians in the hospital lobby with my contraction relief antics.
I told John the midwife said to go home and relax, so we went to the car (where we got our first Belgian parking ticket, yay!) and that's about as far as we got to going home.
I told John I wasn't comfortable going home (about a 20-25 minute drive) and I didn't feel like I was really at a 3-4 cm dilation. I'd been that before with Brynlee and it never felt like this. So while taking breaks during contractions to hold onto benches, trees, anything to brace myself we made it back to the hospital where Melinda, our photographer, met up with us.

While John hashed out parking ticket woes with the hospital info desk (who hardly spoke English) Melinda did her best to distract me (bless her heart!) while I hung out in the lobby continuing to make my presence very well known to the local Belgians sitting and waiting around there as well.
I told John I really wanted an exercise ball or something to just sit and relax on so we went back up to Maternity to request one.
I didn't make it half way down the hallway when finally "the" mother of all contractions hit and this time I did hit my knees and just started screaming.

Midwives came running and brought me a bed and wheeled me into the "Fire" room where they checked me again. The midwife, Maude, who spoke just a little English, checked me again and said I was maybe at a 3 cm dilation and that's where I started getting really agitated.
I (barely) got up off that bed and said/yelled/told John and them that there was just no way it was a three, no possible, physical way. I told them if this really was a three then I wanted my epidural now, I didn't care if it was too soon, I had never felt this, this early on when laboring with Brynlee, and I was not going down that road again.
They said ok, but would have to draw some blood and have it run by the lab real quick, so it'd be about a 20-30 minute wait for it to happen.
With that time frame in mind, I requested to use the water tub to try to relax while waiting for the epidural.
Again, they said sure and told us they'd be right back to get us when it was ready.
I continued getting harder and faster contractions and after what felt like an eternity (according to John it was about 30-40 minutes) they said that the tub was ready and we could go.
We started walking down the hall and I saw a midwife ahead of me turn into the "Earth" room.
If you've read my previous blog post you know this room meant, the "all natural" room where no medicinal equipment is present for labor relief of any kind.
This specific moment, the best way I can paint you a mental picture of myself, is to picture a dog on a leash being drug in a direction he doesn't want to go.
Haunches down, pulling away, regardless of how hard you pull at them....

I saw them walk into that room and immediately was like, "No! No, no, no, this is the wrong room. I want the "Water" room, tell them John, this isn't right, no, not going in there, no way!"
I'm not sure how it happened but somehow they got me in there.
Contractions were hitting harder and harder and it seems like everything started happening at once, as soon as I entered that room.
Maude, (who was probably 100 lbs dripping wet) man handled me over at the edge of the tub ledge, checking me again and said I was at a 9cm dilation.

3 cm to 9cm in 45 minutes, wait, what?!

"Too late, it's too late, no epidural. But it's ok, this is normal!"
No, Maude, this is not normal. This is NOT ok.
I went ballistic.
"I asked for epidural an hour ago. You have to give it to me. I asked for it, I said I wanted it, John this is not ok, tell them! This is not ok! This is not NORMAL! My water hasn't even broken yet!"
Apparently it broke pretty much the minute I entered the room and I was pretty much standing in it, I just didn't know it.
That's how out of it I was.

Poor Maude and John kept trying to get me to focus off what was obviously not going to happen and onto actually birthing this baby.
I will admit to you I did not cuss at any time during this labor experience, however I did let them know I hated their country and I wanted to go home. I think that's the worst it got, and thankfully Maude either had no clue what I said with her limited English or she didn't care cause she knew I wasn't in my right mind.
(I also spent the rest of my stay apologizing to every staff member I recognized for that horrible comment....sigh).

Unfortunately I was the typical psycho woman in unmedicated labor who had lost all sense of control.
John would try to tell me to relax and breathe, I'd yell at him to quit talking to me.
He'd try to rub my back, I'd yell at him to not touch me.
He'd tell me to focus on my focal point all the while he was covering it with his hand in order to lean over and talk to me, so he got told to go away.
Poor guy, seriously.
Not my proudest moment, but thankfully he gave me a pass.

Within minutes of my water breaking somehow they got me up on their circular delivery table on my knees.
I held on to a sling they had hanging from their ceiling which became my BFF for the rest of this experience.
It's true what they say about when it's time for the baby to come, your body just does it, whether you are ready for it too or not.
Between contractions I actually felt half way human, but when they came, there was no control, that sling in the ceiling got a full work out from me, and rest assured that thing is anchored in brilliantly somehow.
Pushing began, and his head came out and the contraction stopped.
Maude sat there holding his head, talking French to him, while we waited for "the last push" contraction to come.
"Bonjour bebe! Bienvenue!"
Finally the contraction came and Bennett Ryan was born at 5:53 pm, 7.1 lbs and 19.5".
While still on my hands and knees, after barely 5 hours of labor, they handed me my son, between my legs, where I sat on my heels just holding him close, not believing what had all just happened.
He didn't cry, he was wide awake looking around, and already sucking on his fingers (the dude is an eater, for serious!).
I couldn't believe how quick after he was born how the pain (kinda) went away.
Maude, bless her!

Bless Maude, she was smiles and happiness the whole time while dealing with my craziness, and she totally shared in the joy with me handing me our son and giving me a huge hug while I just sat there, holding him, in complete awe and so relieved in so many ways.

One of my biggest fears with delivering little man, regardless of how his birth went, was tearing like I had with Brynlee. My first question after handing Bennett off to John was, "How bad did I tear?" prepared for the worst.
I was so relieved when they told me I'd only need one stitch and that the scar tissue from her birth was still in tact and not re-torn.
After the stitch we were put on a "real" bed and taken to our hospital room for our stay.
Little man latched on the first time no problem and has developed quite the name for himself being quite the eater, actually gaining weight before leaving the hospital.

I was so glad to have had Melinda there to capture these moments for us.
These pictures were so important to me since I wasn't going to have any family there to share in the birth of this babe.
Everything happened to hard and fast that these pictures paint seriously the perfect picture of all the stress, pain, agony, relief, and joy that came with little man's arrival.


The hardest part was not being able to personally communicate with anyone in the US to let them know what had happened! We were assured when we stayed at the hospital we'd have access to their WIFI to facetime/skype with family back in the States. Unfortunately, Belgians/Europeans love their weekends and so since he was born so late on a Friday afternoon, the information desk with our WIFI ID and password were already closed for the weekend! We had to rely on Karla to pass on information for us until we got home to communicate ourselves! The wait was ridiculous.
After he was born all I wanted to do was talk to my mom, and I couldn't even do that!

Melinda came back the next day when the Pate's brought Aunt Karla, and most importantly, the new big sister, to the hospital to meet Bennett.
The pictures really speak for themselves, so no words needed, except Brynlee's first words upon seeing baby brother was, "Can I pet him? Can I hug him?"
Brynlee has been just amazing.
I love that little girl so much it hurts.
I had cried some serious tears worried that my little gal would resent me for all this change to her world.
I love that she continuously proves me wrong when I worry about her and any changes we put her through and how she handles it.
Every morning since we brought him home, the first words out of her mouth are, "Where is baby brother?"
Once she got used to the idea that babies cry and it's ok that they do, she seems to be totally fine with it all. Having Aunt Karla then Grandma Connie here has helped because I've obviously been a bit MIA in her world, but having them here to distract has been a godsend while I figure out my new normal with two little loves.

The recovery from Bennett has been a complete opposite experience than with Brynlee. Granted the damage was less, but I was able to get in and out of bed very easily pretty much immediately after his birth. I was able to shower, on my own, without pain or help which was a huge relief.
The contractions while breastfeeding seemed a lot harder and more painful than I remembered with Brynlee, but they were gone by the end of his first week.

So what's it like, culturally, giving birth here in Beligum?
The main differences that stand out...
We really liked that once Bennett was born they wouldn't touch/take him in anyway until we physically handed him over to them, letting us hold him as long as we wanted with no rush.

They don't bathe the baby for at least the first 24 hours if not longer depending on what you want, allowing the vernix layer that is on the babe when born to soak in. This probably seems gross, but it really wasn't as much as I thought it would be. Bennett got a bit of a wipe down post birth, but we left him alone, unbathed, for almost 24 hours until we knew we had visitors coming.

When they do bathe the babe, they do a full baby dunk, umbilical cord and all! Contrary to what they tell you in America, they seriously dunk them in to where the only uncovered by water part of them is barely their face. Bennett LOVES his baths. We learned a lot watching Maude bathe him. We did have to deal with some of the umbilical cord stink until it came off, but the boy seriously turns to butter when immersed 95% into the water. They put them in pretty warm water too, 98F is what we measured it too. His spastic limbs immediately go limp and float and he just stares with the most relaxed body composition ever.
Sweet Maude, the midwife
who helped deliver Bennett.

They don't circumcise and seem shocked when you bring it up. We are choosing to circumcise Bennett, but because it's not something they do culturally here, we have to go about it very differently than in the States. I honestly wish it was something we could have done at birth because then we'd probably be done with most the healing of it by now, instead he'll be just shy of a month old when he gets it done, which I'm not thrilled about, but we'll get through it.

They do all the baby's blood work and tests, typically done at birth, at different appointments post birth after you leave the hospital. His blood work was done the day after we checked out of he hospital (parking ticket #2, yay!!! uuugghhh, not a huge fan of his birth city at this point) and his audio/hearing test was done when he was 13 days old.

The hospital experience is very different, in that once you and the new babe are established and found to be ok, they seriously leave you alone unless you ask them for something.
We really enjoyed this.
Nothing annoyed me more after Brynlee's birth than it being in the middle of the night, finally getting her/or myself to sleep, and them wheeling her off to do some test or some screening of some sort or being woken up to check to see if you've peed yet or not. Here, if you needed something, you just called and asked, they'd get it for you, then disappear unless you called them again for something.

They also take away post birth pain medication pretty quick! I had an IV for about half an hour post birth and that was it. I had to request anything else which was taken orally from that point on.

So what's happens now with a US baby born in a foreign country?
First, we had to register his birth with the city commune in which he was born, which was Ath, Belgium. There we got his Belgian Birth Certificate.
We have since scheduled our appointment with the US Embassy in Brussels to go apply for his US citizenship, social security number, born abroad birth certificate, and passports.
We will also have to get him a Belgian ID like the rest of us had to get.
The babe will be very documented in his first few months of birth!

The experience as a whole has been so learning, and although leading up to his birth I had nothing really positive to say, I'm ecstatic that it all ended so well.
Now the real fun begins.

**All professional photo credit goes to Melinda Mae Photography.**












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