Two Month Observations & Confessions-March 26th 2012

I just can't believe we're on to month number two.
I'm sure most of the mommies out there can relate, but it seems like it flew by but yet seemed to crawl at the same time...now looking back at the post I wrote at her 6 week mark, things still feel the same as far as that is concerned!
Looking back as a whole, however, things are SO dramatically different.
There are days where I still want to bang my head against the wall...apparently that's normal and won't really end any time soon, so I've accepted that as part of my new normal.
Nowadays, there are moments, dare I say hours where things are awesome.
She's good. I'm good. John's good. The animals are good. GG is (still) good.
We are all good, and that's been the most amazing change to see.

Before I go into my month's worth of new mommy drama, yes, GG is still here and no I have no shame, I think it's fantastic.
I think she's totally tired of John and I, but never of that baby.
She's been such a great sport as John and I have slowly edged her out of the monster newborn mess she walked into and now taking a back seat while we "drive" our daily routine so we can master it on our own day by day.
So yeah, she's been here over a month, and on her ninth book.
That's how she's measured her time here, and she's quite proud of that.
We've visited the library twice because needless to say, we don't have common tastes, but I'm ok with that because she's been my security blanket this past month as I grow more and more confident in my new role as a mommy.
As we've slowly taken back control of...well, everything, GG's role has changed to cleaning for the most part which in itself is just as valuable!
I'm back to cooking for us full time, but she'll clean up after me, stay with Bryn in the car if I want to run a quick errand without breaking out the stroller or waking her to put in her in a sling, and she's also become the house laundry queen.
Man, I'm spoiled and am in for a harsh reality when she's gone.
She's been able to keep up with her OKC Thunder games while being here and watches March Madness every night.
I think she knows how to work my TV better than I do at this point.
I love this woman.
We have gotten to know each other in a whole new light since she came.
I have learned more things about her, my grandpa, my aunts (I got the full story of how one of my aunts was conceived, that was a treat! LOL.) our family, our ranches past and present, just everything in general has been so awesome to chat to her about.
It's amazing how something like childbirth really opens up a whole new line of communication with other women in your life, it's like you are in a club that gives you a free pass to talk about the most hilarious, awkward, and strange things with no judgement. This has come true with not only my friends and my mom, but with my aunts and grandma too. I just think that's so neat.

So, onto the juicy stuff.....

Two Month Check Up Stats:
....are pending the two month check up. Scheduled April 2nd, so I'll be back with this...all I know is she has definitely gained weight and grown in height. She is partially hanging off the Breast Friend pillow we use for nursing and, well, she feels huge. She's probably not, but we all comment daily about how she seems to get heavier and heavier.
While looking through pictures on the computer the other day GG commented that she's looking a little "husky." I take that as a complement.
Last time she was weighed at the docs was for her two week appointment and she was 7.15 lbs.
At our first lactation consultant weigh in she was 4.5 weeks old and weighed in at 8.7 lbs.
After our two day booby binge to help her gain more weight, she weighed in at 8.15 lbs and that's the last number I have.
I can't wait to see what it is now. :)
She's in a size 1 diaper but we've bought size 2's and will probably start them by the end of the week.
She's completely out of her newborn clothes, has outgrown some of her 0-3 month depending on the brand, and 3 month sizes fit with a good couple weeks of growing room for sure.

Baby Observations Month #2:
*Baby acne came and went as fast as it came, TYL.
*We have more smiles than cries these days and that alone is one of our biggest winning moments to date. Even better perk is that I don't have to do something obnoxious to get these smiles, they are freely given making them the BEST.

So many smiles! Little gal just can't be tamed, LOL.

LOVES her daddy.

*Bryn recognizes my voice and will turn her head about the room as I walk/talk by. Even better if I walk up to her while she's being held by someone else she gets the biggest smile on her face. I still think it's cause she associates me with food, but at the same time, I can't help but think they are legitimate too.
*Not only are there a plethora of smiles, but we are more recently getting shouts, coos, and she's adopted the new communication noise of what sounds like someone dragging out the letter "K"....almost like a gurgle??

John and I think it's the most precious thing ever and so we speak her language with her often and she seems to think it's pretty awesome we speak the same code by greeting it with more smiles and some pretty intense stares as we "Kkkkkkkkk...." to each other. Helicopter lips have also become a new fave.

*Bryn loves her daddy and has the calmest disposition around him. She has her calmness with me too, but it's a totally different kind and I like that we have our own ways with her and she has her own ways with us.
*Tummy time is no longer a baby torture method in her eyes, it's actually our preferred activity during wake time. YAY!
*The back of our head is starting to thin out a tad, BUT the rest of her hair is filling in more and more everyday. The more she gets the darker it seems to be....still straight so far, but hoping for maybe a slight curl like mommy....(a girl can hope, I'm currently batting a zero as far as mommy physical traits....).

I think this is precious. :)

*The cries that do happen are pitifully see through. They are long drawn out "waaaaaaaaa's!" that usually involve squinty eyes and about a 5 second break between each one. I swear it's to see if we are paying attention because on occasion she'll open her squinty eyes and see us, and "waaaaaaaa" even more pitifully, most the time with a protruding bottom lip, but hardly any tears....therefore...
*The 'diva' status has not changed in the least.
*We've graduated from primarily taking naps being held or in the swing to 100% in her bed.
*We have a once a day fussy time which is usually between her second to last and last feedings (between 7:30-10 pm) of the 24 hour day. This is usually the only time that we've had to hold her to sleep because she just won't sleep at all otherwise. The other night was my first time beating it, and it took some major work, so it's still something we're working on.
*We've grown a double chin and several leg rolls which is something we are all really proud of.
*After all those visits with the lactation consultant, we've really nailed down our nursing routine and both baby and mommy are way happier for very different reasons. :) We've gradually gone down on our feeding times starting off the month going for about 30-40 minutes total depending on how long I let her pacify (learned later this was a no-no during the day, oops!) and ending the month going for about 15-20 minutes total. It's allowed for better naps since she's not pacifying for long after feeding and the wake time is priceless.
*We've also nailed down a 2.5 hour routine for during the day. We had originally tried a 3 hour routine, but I was always one step behind her and there was more crying because of that...changing our routine by that half hour made a world of difference and now I'm beating her to her needs instead of vice versa. Finally in the drivers seat, yay!
*On her two month birthday she made it the closest to sleeping through the night to date, sleeping until about 5:15 am (wake up time is at 7 am)...SO close. Just thankful that the babe can put herself back to sleep til her morning wake up time after a feeding.

The scar, boo. :(

*Her electrode fetal monitor scar from delivery is healing really nicely, but I'm totally bummed it's still there and visible at all. I hate having to explain it to people--mainly because I feel ashamed it was needed at all, even though there was nothing I could do about it. I asked the ped at her two week appointment about if hair will grow there and she said there is no real way to tell, so we'll see, but fingers totally crossed. Her head is so soft and perfect til you get to this little dent in the back and it breaks my heart every time I see it. Luckily, with her hair thickening, it's not as visible to the eye as opposed to the touch.
*We've got a roller!! Enough said with the video....

....yes, this baby is rolling.

It happened first on the Boppy pillow so we kind of discounted it since she was propped up.

Then one night John was "conducting" her wake time and started hollering that she was rolling over...I won't lie, I totally didn't believe him and thought maybe he didn't understand what that really meant for a baby, so I eventually came out to watch and sure enough, our little bug was rolling from her tummy to back. She can only do it in the one direction (maybe she'll be right handed like me!! 1 point for mommy) and she can't go back onto her belly obviously, but we thought this was just so neat. She's done it several times more since the video without the Boppy and without help, so we're accepting it as legit and not a fluke. 

*We are now a kicking and swatting champ, especially when we are on the play mat during wake time.

She hasn't connected the hitting with the jingling sound of the toys, but when she was a "new" newborn she couldn't even reach them, so this has been very epically exciting for us. 

With that this girl has got a death grip like nothing I have ever seen.

I have lost hair because of it.

This fist has become our most sought after form of pacifier besides a boob, and I am very conflicted about this, going back and forth on whether this is habit I'm ok with instead of a pacifier...some of it's not really up to me. Majority of the time she won't take a pacifier, so fist it is! 

Ok, onto more juicy stuff....

Baby Confessions Month #2:

GG with her first great grand. :)

For the beginning half of GG's visit, I was so emotionally, physically, mentally....everything tired, that I literally would put Bryn in her arms/lap as soon as she was fed, just so I could have a break.
I truly needed the space and she was willing to sit there, for hours at times, holding the babe while I disappeared doing whatever I needed to do. It wasn't until about three weeks into GG's visit that I decided enough was enough, she can't be held to sleep all the time, it's time for change, structure, and unfortunately for GG, time for me to step up and her to step back.
I don't feel bad at all for pawning the babe off to her in that time.
Honestly, that's why she came.
My mom told her, before she came, to "take care of my baby so she can take care of hers."
Well, taking care of me in the beginning, was taking care of the baby.
This is her first great-grand, so she was more than willing to accept the task.
I used this time to unwind, continue to heal, help John heal from his surgery, to sleep, to sit...to do whatever I needed to do.
Once I started implementing a structured day back into our lives, it forced GG out of the picture some.
She wasn't holding/rocking her to sleep for her naps, she wasn't allowed to use the pacifier for anything anymore unless the time was absolutely dire, which rarely happens.
At first I think it hurt her feelings, mainly because she went from having hours and hours of one on one time with Brynlee to virtually none overnight.
But, John and I knew her time here was limited and that we had to implement structure while we had the help or I was going to be right back in the hole I was in when she first came.
Although she's virtually out of the picture during nap times, she participates as much as possible during wake times helping me with burping, excited talking, wake time activity set ups, etc...I'm going to miss this help so much.
Part of me milks it for all it's worth with no shame, then the other part of me has started to shy away because I know her time is limited and she'll be headed home soon....
I'm so glad she's been here, not only for John and I, but for Bryn too.
She'll be too young to ever remember these times, but I know us three adults will never forget the impact it's had on us in different ways.
So blessed to have her here, and so blessed to share so many baby firsts with her. We'll miss you GG!

Other confessions....

*We are still working out our daily routine and schedule, but we're about 50/50 with her falling asleep on her own in her bed-WIN.

*If fighting sleep in her bed during nap time, we've occasionally allowed a pacifier, if she'll take it, or we'll shush/jiggle (the Dr. Karp jiggle, come on now!) her to sleep, but all while still in her bed and only as an absolute last resort. 

*I hog tie that baby down to her bed. No joke. Well, maybe not hog tie, but we've adapted a new way of keeping her still in her sleep to help her sleep longer. Don't judge us just yet, I promise it's humane. There'd be times in the night or especially during naps where she'd be asleep but while moving around her legs would shoot up into the air, almost at a ninety degree angle and it'd not only wake her up 99% of the time but it'd almost make her roll over since she was in her SwaddlePod/Sack. SO, I took one of her stretchy thermal swaddling blankets she grew out of and we started strapping her legs down to her bed like in the pic....I know this looks ridiculous,  but to my defense this is a true desperation act on my part to ensure a good nap/sleep time--and it works! Now that she's getting more capable and successful of lulling herself back to sleep on her own we'll probably start taking it away here soon, but until then, the girl is hog tied down whenever she's in her bed, and from what we can tell not only does it work, but the girl doesn't seem to mind. :)

*We seem to have a spitting up problem. I'm not sure if we just aren't burping her long enough, holding her up right after a feeding long enough....Not sure. After a feeding she's burped for a long while then we go into wake time, usually on the floor on her belly or back...sometimes there's nothing, but then sometimes I swear that everything she just ate came up...She doesn't spit up all the time, but it's more of the majority than the minority. Something I'm going to talk to her ped about at her two month check up.

I can't wait to see what new things she'll be doing during this next month...the progress is probably the biggest reward we've gotten to date and we just thrive in those moments of wake time with her and getting all this little lovin'.

This is the first outfit I bought when we found out we were having a girl. :)

Ok, change of pace....
Here are some personal observations and confessions of myself in the last month:
*I am healed up for the most part and had my post partum check up close to the 8 week mark. I had a slight set back to the healing process when they discovered, at that appointment, that I had over healed and had to "correct" that issue along with an infection that had incurred because of the over healing. I know it's probably TMI, but now a week later, after taking antibiotics for the infection and  re-healing from correcting the over healing, I feel back on track and like things are back to normal "down there."
*I am much more rested, now that we've implemented a schedule and routine into our lives. It's been an absolute godsend and I'm so thankful not only to John for implementing it with me and supporting me through it but also for my friends near and far that have encouraged me/us while we've been figuring things out. You guys are awesome and my rock!
*I am much more happy since implementing a schedule and routine. I know this may not be a shocker to most of you that really know me and know how important structure and routine are to me, but hey, it took me a while to find one that worked for all of us. Now that we have, I am no longer a zombie by day and night. I get things done around the house. I have free/down time. I get excited when I see my baby waking up instead of my heart sinking....just to name a few. Just know things are definitely headed in a positive direction overall.
*My coworkers would absolutely have a fit of laughter at me when I say that being in bed before 11 pm every night is now considered awesome as opposed to my pre baby 8:30 pm bed time I always had. But it's true, I will no longer turn into a pumpkin if I'm not in bed before 9 pm.

Confessions......
*First and foremost, I have had a hard time adapting to this mom life just in general, that's no secret. Since Bryn was born, thanks to John's surgery, he only worked 4 days out of her first month of life. Since he's been back at work, I've had GG here to help me while I pick myself back up on my feet.
One of the largest issues I've had in this transition is the feeling of abandonment when he went back to work. I got extremely angry at him, feeling like he was leaving me alone to fend for myself with our "hellion on wheels", while he went off to play with his friends and puppies at work.
I know that's not really how his work is, but for some reason that's how it was in my mind.
"While you are off playing I'm stuck here at home dealing with your crazy kid...." is pretty much how it went.
It took me a while to calm down and realize I wasn't stuck, I was privileged, and that it wasn't the end of the world, however, I miss my old life terribly.
I miss work, I miss my friends, I miss my freedom the most.
I miss being able to go do whatever in the world I wanted to do whenever I wanted to do it with not real responsibility otherwise.....I still struggle with this when I want to "run real quick" to Target or something...now there's no such thing and I hate it.
When GG leaves I'm going to hate it even more. She's stayed in the car with the sleeping babe while I run into stores real quick, so I'm in for a real reality check in a few days.
I've been able to wear Bryn in a sling in some outings and she's done just fine, but I just don't have the confidence to know that I know what to do if she started wigging out in public.
*I never realized what the moms at my work meant when they said that work was their release, it was their break. I totally get it now. Doesn't mean we don't love our kids more or less than those mom's that can't imagine being away from their children, I just realized I'm not one of those mom's....
*I have yet to style my hair beyond a ponytail and I have put on a full face of make up 3 times since Bryn's birth, with a couple partial days here in there if I absolutely have too. Yesterday being one of them. I had an award's ceremony to go to for John's work so he stayed at home with her while I wore "real" clothes and put on full make up to go and enjoy myself for a couple hours. It was really nice to be able to go out, but when I sat down to do her feeding right before I left, I walked up to her as John was playing with her, and she immediately started crying.
Apparently mommy with make up and not in sweats is just too weird since she hasn't seen it much.
*I went to a session at the Social Work office at the hospital to talk about my post partum feelings and made John go with me. It was actually a decent experience and I set up a time to come once a week to meet with a counselor. I went for my second meeting and they didn't have me on the schedule and the counselor wasn't there. I was really mad about this. Do they not know how much of an effort it is for me to not only get myself ready but get Bryn ready and out too? We waited for about 20 minutes before I finally left and I haven't gone back since.
Now, in retrospect I probably should have followed up to see what the issue was and tried again. I didn't just show up cause I had nothing else to do, I had an appointment whether it was in their computer or not. I have enlisted the help of my fellow Army girlfriends in lieu of Social Work and I'm really glad I've allowed them into my life pandemonium.
I am blessed that they don't judge, they support, they listen, they talk, they suggest, they offer, they are on call, they are just available in general whether it's a Facebook chat or a quick text here or there and I'm so grateful for all of them near and far.
*Baby acne may have come and gone, but mommy acne isn't so nice. I am assuming it's my hormones getting back to "normal" but it's felt like puberty all over again, and needless to say puberty wasn't nice to me then and it's sure not nice to me now. My skin was fine give or take a few break outs during pregnancy, but since birth I've been miserable. What's worse is my light colored skin that makes everything look more red and miserable than it really is...I think it's winding down for the most part, but time will tell. Just ready for my hormones to level out to whatever that may be....

8 weeks post partum.
Rome wasn't built in a day. ;-)

*By forty weeks I weighed in at 162 lbs. which was a total weight gain of about 35-37 lbs. I was given the weight gain range of 25-35 based off my height and pre pregnancy weight and for the longest time stayed just fine below the bracket and just barely tapping into the 25 pound range.
Then at the end I blew up...honestly, a lot of it was baby, but some of it was me. :) I lost all motivation of healthy eating at the end, however I still stayed away from soda and coffee. I hadn't gone to the gym past my 7 month because anything I wanted to do, I physically couldn't. I also started to swell at the end and I could really see it in my face and also my ankles and feet. I was really glad after labor plus a few days that all of this went away.....cankles are never something to be happy about, pregnant or not.
By Bryn's two day appointment I had only lost 15 pounds...I was really disappointed in this! I felt like I had unloaded at least 20 if not more! I actually was really surprised how pregnant I still looked when I left the hospital. I am not sure what my real expectations were of that, but I just remember it surprised me.
Here at 2 months post partum I'm weighing in at 135-136 and I can feel myself losing more, especially now that we have such a great  schedule.
I'm not sure what my expectations are for my post partum body. I had just lost 40 pounds before I got pregnant while John was deployed and was finally fitting into size two's.
IDK if trying for that is a feasible goal, but it's not totally out of my mind. If I can get under 130 lbs, I think I'll be ok with that.

In ending, John's deployment is still on the horizon, however we don't have a firm date yet.
We were given the date range of June-August-ish...after his three weeks of recovery he was put on 30 day light duty where he still can't train or certify with his dog.
No training + no certification= non deployable.
Once those thirty days are up I'm not sure if they are going to expect him to jump in with both feet--train, certify, and be ready to deploy at the drop of a hat....it very well could be that way.
In the mean time we're just taking it a day at a time and enjoying our time as a family of three as much as we can, kind of naively ignoring what's coming ahead for the time being.
We'll face it soon enough, so we're in no real hurry.
It's inevitable, it's just a matter of when.....until then....happy and growing times for all.

"Liquid Gold"

When I decided to join the Centering Group at Womack Army Med, one of the main reasons was to get informed in everything.
I'm the type of person that wants to generally know everything about everything just so I can understand what to do, how to do it, when to do it, etc...
One of the most exciting sessions we had, to me, was the class on breastfeeding.
This was something I already had in my mind I was going to do when I first found out I was pregnant.
I was, however, very quick to admit that I didn't understand what I was getting myself into by committing--hence getting educated!

When this session finally came up I was so excited for this class.
There were so many reasons I wanted to do it.
I won't lie, the first and foremost reason was the fact she'd be "eating for free."
There is also the obvious reasons having to deal with it being better for baby, better for mom, helps you contract quicker, and, let's be honest, who wouldn't want bigger boobs?
Coming from someone that's never been more than an "A" anything in her life, that was something that came into the picture of "pros versus cons", as naively as that may sound.

At the session an officer, who worked at the hospital, came in and gave a very colorful class discussion on the benefits and amazing natural abilities of our woman bodies concerning the making of the infamous "liquid gold."
Womack is very pro breastfeeding, so it's something that by the end of the class, whether you had made your mind up about breastfeeding or not, it definitely had you excited and motivated about it.
For me it just cemented it in my mind of "things I will do as a mom..."
I had been blessed with a fellow Army wife friend of mine, that was pregnant with her second little (big!) girl, who had breastfed her first daughter, in my class as well as a slew of friends from all over the US that I knew were successfully breastfeeding.

This was so motivating to me, it was something I felt compelled to do as a mommy and also as my womanly duty in lieu with having a natural child birth, etc.
I went as far as taking a 3 hour class specifically on breastfeeding later on in my pregnancy which was taught by one of the lactation consultant's that work on the Mother/Baby Unit floor.
Learning the anatomy and even more about the benefits and pros just made me more and more excited about it all.
John was awesome in his support.
I think that "free" definitely got his attention, but he was very receptive of the information I had gathered about the pros and cons and supported me either way.

On the flip side, I was also bombarded by people that had the opposite or more hesitant view.
I'm not one to judge one side of the fence as compared to the other--it's whatever floats your individual boat!
But it's really surprising how people these days react to something so natural.
I was very private about it, only talking to close friends and family about any of the decisions "we" were making concerning the birth and rearing of our daughter, and even in that circle I was get some raised eyebrows.
"You are going to breastfeed? Well, that's assuming you can...."
Awkward much?
Um, yes......

Weeks before Brynlee was born, that same Army wife took me nursing bra shopping, which is a whole new way of thinking. Everything is based off, "how big you might get...." which you won't know until you are there...so I learned that really there wasn't much I could do at the beginning.
I have been so blessed with other mothers near and far that have shared their personal stories with me, before and after Bryn was born.
I was especially grateful that none of them sugar coated it for me.
If they had I'm not sure my experience and its hurdles would have been achievable.

When Bryn was born, we had written in our birth plan, that upon her birth that I wanted to breastfeed her ASAP. Due to my hard labor and "repairs" it took a little longer than I had wanted, but in the end when John finally brought her to me the room was cleared, just the three of us and I was able to feed her and, in my eyes, we achieved it like champs.
I even had a lactation consultant come in the next morning after she was born to "check" us and make sure she and I were both doing our parts correctly. Getting an immediate thumbs up, I felt like a rockstar...for the time being...

As a "new" newborn the first couple weeks were rocky but we worked through them.
No one can prepare you about how the beginning of this commitment to your newborn physically feels. My friends even warned me about it all, but there are really no words to describe it, it's something you have to make up in your own mind that you are going to do, thick and thin. I am so blessed, again, in how supportive John was for me.
I remember the second night in the hospital, 2-3 in the morning, that I was having post labor contractions so bad while nursing that he had to hold her up to me to nurse while I held the hospital bed rails and did some of my labor breathing exercises, just to go through the nursing session.

The first time I finally saw the powerful benefit of breastfeeding was when Brynlee was 4-5 days old.
We had gone in for her 2 day check up (she was really 4 days, oops) and her jaundice numbers were still borderline to be readmitted for treatment.
After doing one of those horrid heel pricks, we were told by the ped that if we didn't want to be readmitted for treatment, that I literally needed to breastfeed the poo out of her and get her liver going.
Not only that, but had less than 24 hours to do so or she'd be readmitted into the hospital for treatment.
That next 24 hours was the longest of my life, feeding her every 2 hours on the dot, day and night--but we went back to the doctor's the next day for another heel prick, and thanks to the "liquid gold" our baby's numbers had gone significantly down and no readmission was necessary.
Win #1.

As many of you may have seen from my Facebook, the first few weeks of Brynlee's life here at our home were rough ones.
Not only was I trying to heal, but my help of the grandparents was slowly dwindling away, John was headed back to work, and we now knew of a looming deployment coming up in the near future which left this bitter taste in the whole house for everyone.

Brynlee, between her 1-4 weeks would just cry and cry.....all the time.
I was trying, from her birth, to implement the BabyWise concept in feeding her every two to three hours--followed by some wake time and then nap time. Repeat.
Unfortunately I hadn't finished reading the book before she was born, and along with all the other things mentioned above, most everything I did read went out the window and I really just took things one day at a time. I didn't care where she fell asleep as long as she did...I didn't care if it was a pacifier or my boob...anything to make her be quiet and quit screaming.

This was really hard on the new mommy morale.
There were nights where I would sit there attempting to feed her, and I "felt" empty, depleted and I didn't know what to do. I would sit there on the floor in her room in tears with this baby just howling at me and all I could do is just sit there looking at her, and not knowing what to do.
Poor John didn't know either.

I did everything they said to do in those classes. I felt like a fish, I was drinking so much water. I was using both sides to keep stimulation even and flowing. I was feeding her every 2-3 hours during a full 24 hour day...and yet she just kept crying and crying and crying.

I learned that almost everyone's answer to a constantly crying baby is, "Oh, it must be colic," or "Oh, she's just gassy, give her this....."
I started to believe it, thinking that maybe there really was something wrong with her that I wasn't seeing.
The 5 S's would work on occasion.
We'd five her gripe water, thinking it was something I ate.
I started altering my diet, thinking maybe something I was eating was the culprit.
Nothing really changed.

I mentioned in previous blogs that when I went for her two week check up, she was screaming like a banchee in all her glory, and the ped at this appointment asked me about her feedings etc (just a word of warning for all you new/future moms, they are serious when they say they want to you to keep track of how many feedings and wet/dirty diapers your baby has in a 24 hour period, take that from something that didn't keep track and got the stink eye constantly, sigh).
I told her about the endless, unconsolable crying--which she replied, "Oh it's probably just gas, I'll prescribe you something..." (when I went to pick up the medicine it was to be given to Bryn via bottle...um, not sure how that works when it says in "our" file that she's exclusively breastfed, so I never gave it to her).
When I told her I was doing a 2-3 hour feeding schedule I got another stink eye, and was told I needed to feed her on demand until she was at least 3 months old.
Well, by "feeding on demand" definitions and standards, that meant this specific baby would be pretty much on my boob for virtually all day.
Wow, was this commitment to breastfeeding another incident of me biting off more than I could chew?
I mean, how realistic is that?
So you mean, literally, every time this baby cries, I need to stick her on a boob....??
Oh man....
I visited with the lactation consultant again after this 2 weeks appointment, she "corrected" my hold with Brynlee and said to try that and to see how it went, but also agreed I needed to feed on demand.

So I did. For the rest of that week this baby was pretty much glued to my chest all day.
Now, looking back, I know there were benefits to this.
This girl doesn't turn down food. That we now know.
So every time she cried/cried beyond consoling, and I would latch her on, and the girl would drink like she had never drunk in her life. That alone, killed me inside.
I swear I just fed her!
How can she be making gulping sounds like that!?!
It got to the point where I couldn't keep up.
I didn't have time to eat, drink, pee, heal, shower, nothing...unless John was home to hold her off while I did any of the above.
Those first few days alone, I was barely eating one meal a day (a big breastfeeding no-no), usually the one that John had to make for us when he got home from working all day.
I was living off protein shakes and whatever I could unwrap/eat with one hand while holding a newborn on my chest with the other.
It was seriously ridiculous.
And unfortunately, it wasn't helping me.
Brynlee was probably loving it.

I'm contributing this feeding on demand stint to her lack of interest in pacifiers.
The girl will take one on occasion, but she prefers the "real thing."

On my end though, because of not having time to take care of myself, I was extremely depleted...in energy, supply, motivation, sleep--anything and everything...until one night I just hit a MAJOR wall.
It was the third night I was alone with her and she had been crying for 3 hours straight with no break...Wouldn't take a pacifier, I would put her on my boob to nurse but she would just squirm, fight, and wrestle with me while on it.
At one point she even started crying while latched on....
I couldn't take it anymore.
I laid her in her crib, stormed through our bedroom door (poor John was sleeping for work the next day) like a complete psycho turning on all the lights with no regard to John at all, and called my mom in absolute hysterics. I couldn't even answer her "Hello?" without just bawling.....Pretty sure I freaked her out.
I was hyperventilating, and it took me a while to even explain to her what was going on and why I was so upset.
I know it killed her.
She was so far away in Colorado and me all the way out here, with no real way that she could help me or Brynlee.
John took over the baby and by some miracle got her to sleep at some point.
My mom prayed with me over the phone while I just cried and cried.
Lord bless her.
Finally once I "calmed down" (if you even call it that) she offered to have a talk with my grandma about coming out to NC to help me while John was back at work so I could not only finish healing myself, but get some energy back and get this feeding frenzy under control.
I didn't care at that point.
They could send Supernanny for all I cared, I just knew that I was in deep, I didn't know what to do, and it was making me not care about my daughter or her needs anymore.
It was that bad.
So many moms talk about the bonding they feel with their babies when they breastfeed.
How come I wasn't feeling this?
If anything it felt more like a chore than something to enjoy.
I wasn't feeling anything towards her except that this was the only way I knew to get her to stop crying, so I put up with it, and I hated it.

The next morning, I called that lactation consultant about the last night's incident.
She instructed me to start pumping or supplementing because it was obvious the baby was hungry and just wasn't getting enough.
Naturally I tried pumping first, really to no avail.
I didn't have anything to pump.
Having her on me any and every time she cried had literally depleted me (later found out the shields I had were too big anyways, so that didn't help).
Finally I resorted to a fellow Army wife friend, who raised 4 amazingly awesome formula fed kiddos, and had her bring me a bottle and some formula so we could supplement if necessary.

The first time we got to that point was later on that night.
I prepared the bottle the way she showed me, and gave it to John to feed her (I refused to feed her that way, I didn't want her to associate me with that "way" of getting food).
She grabbed it like a magnet and my heart shattered into a billion pieces on her bedroom floor.
She guzzled it so hard I could hear it harshly plummeting to her stomach with each swallow.

What was wrong with me?
What's wrong with my body?
What did I do/am I doing wrong?
Why can't I make enough?
Why can't she get enough from me?
In all the classes and research I did before she was born, I never once considered that I would end up "being the problem."

That week alone, we resorted to the formula and bottle 4 times.
All of those times were as a last resort, and all with me sitting on the floor of her room in hysterical tears as John fed her.
I had never felt so helpless and incapable in my whole life.
And there seemed to be nothing I could do about it.

My grandma arrived on February 17th and what a relief it was.
I had no idea what to expect with her coming, but seeing a familiar face was almost like getting an IV of motivation pumped into me.
Things were so providential, as most of you know, because within 48 hours of her arrival, John was in emergency surgery getting his appendix removed--now I had 2 babies to care for!
The day I went into the hospital to pick John up to take him home, I ran into our doula in the lobby waiting for one of her clients, who was in labor, to arrive.
I told her about my struggles and she suggested talking to a different lactation consultant upstairs opposed to the one I had been talking too.

Fortunately for me, I was there for my post-partum session with the Social Work Office, she happened to be there, and John and I got to pick her brain about our situation and scheduled a time for us to bring Bryn with us to have her evaluate our situation.

We brought the screaming babe in hungry that next week, making quite the entrance.
She was weighed, and rated "a little low" for her age at 8.7 lbs.
She plainly wasn't getting enough.
So, lactation consultant orders, we were to not only feed her on demand, but also, even if she didn't demand, feed her every 2 hours with only one 3 hour stint in a 24 hour period. I had to do this for 2 days....She also suggested a natural supplement for me to take which we went and got immediately after the appointment.
We started the "booby binge" the next morning and like clock work, every two hours I fed her with one 3 hour stint in the night.
The two days blurred together to be honest...might as well have been running around topless.
It definitely took a toll on the body and had to resort to being waited on quite a bit in between feedings and trying to get more than one hour of consecutive sleep at a time...
This in itself was horrible timing with John trying to heal from his surgery at the same time.
At one point, one of the days, I literally laid in bed for over 4 hours, flipping from side to side where she nursed for almost that four hours straight--with maybe 20 minutes between each flip.
Absolutely exhausted, and wondering if it was even worth it, we trekked back into the lactation consultant's office for another weigh in to see if our efforts made an effect at all.....

TYL, it did.
Little gal had gained 8 ounces in two days!
What a win for me.
I can honestly say that if nothing positive happened with that 48 hour nursing binge, I probably would have quit or resorted to solely pumping.
I wanted to jump up and scream in excitement.
Maybe my boobies weren't broke after all!
I was so encouraged by this, that I just wanted to collapse and cry...happy tears.

Since that last weigh in, we continued feeding on demand for about another week and although extremely sleep deprived, she seemed to thrive growth wise.
I can tell she's longer by how she lays on my Breast Friend pillow. :)
I can tell she's heavier because I have to put a pillow underneath my Breast Friend pillow--little chunky butt is weighing it down.

Once John's three week at home healing period was over and he was heading back to work, I started to wean Bryn and I both off the demand feeding and it's worked out beautifully.
My dear friend that went nursing bra shopping with me, has kept me sane, while I've worked on setting up a feeding, wake time, and nap/sleep time schedule with Bryn and it's worked out amazing.
The trick that we've learned with her, is right now I've got to be one step ahead of her, not waiting for her to cry.
In the past when she started to cry, I was already one step behind her and determining her needs.
Now, I'm beating her too it.
We're on a 2.5 hour schedule currently which is working out beautifully.
I was letting her "sleep thru the night" (this consisted of about 10 pm-4am, and would rarely fall back asleep after feeding at 4 am, boo....) simply because she wasn't demanding anything, but now I'm waking her up in the night to feed to carry her over past that 4 am mark that she was constantly getting stuck at.

She and I still have a lot more to learn about each other and a lot more to figure out, that's for sure.
But I have never felt so optimistic since she was born.
I have hit some low lows, I haven't and won't be any sorts of shy about any of that.
I have found a new renowned hope in her and my relationship that is so encouraging and it's made things almost, dare I say, easy now.
Easy might not be the right word, but things are definitely easier.
I get more and more daily smiles with less and less crying.
I now get the best high when I walk by and she turns her head to "follow" me through the room.
Her daddy comes home from work "usually" right after a scheduled feeding and she just adores him.
It gives me the break I need and gives him the baby time he needs.
The moments and smiles we have gotten these past two weeks have made up for all of it.

I'll never forget hitting that lowest hysterical low, it's part of the journey.
I'm "almost" grateful I went through it because I've learned so much in so many ways.
I got lots of comments from friends and family stating, "I don't know why you are sticking with it. Formula is not the end of the world."
They are very right, it's not the end of the world. And I was totally headed there.

I wish I could tell you the reason I stuck with it was because I wanted it for my baby and her health, etc...unfortunately that's not the case.
I stuck with it because everything around me was telling me to quit and that I wasn't enough for her, and I knew that wasn't the case.
I'm glad I stuck it out.
I'm glad I succeeded and I can now say, it's success not just for me, but for her too.
I'm so blessed that John and GG were here to support me and cheer me on.
I never thought I'd experience lactation consultant meetings with my 86 year old grandma, but she was ever so attentive and encouraging for me, it's exactly what I needed.

I've never been so proud of double chins or leg rolls in my life, and I'm proud to say that they are all there because of me and our persistence and patience!

I am in love with her double chin.

I could "smoosh" these cheeks all day long....
I pretty much do.

Milk drunk contentment
is the best reward ever. 

6 Week Show & Tell

Today our little Bryn Bear is 6 weeks old.
Is it weird I feel like she should be one year old already?
Although we still are fishing through struggles here and there while getting to know one another, somedays I feel like days are flying by while the majority of days it feels like they are creeping.
In those "creepy" days more and more things become relevant to me about this little girl that makes her more and more unique and special in her place in this world....So here's a little show and tell.

I'd lie if I didn't say I was totally biased in this, but I think my kid is absolutely adorable.
In that, when Bryn was five days old we got her newborn pictures taken.
We hired the same photographer that did our maternity session.
She came to our house and set up in our living room.
What was supposed to be about a 3 hour session took about 5+ hours but in the end you get little moments of this bliss that make it totally worth it.....

J. Christina Photography

During these past 6 weeks the most noticeable change I could see was her observation of things.
She's always had a fascination with windows and light, often staring with complete contentment at either or.
From almost the beginning Brynlee had an absolute fascination with a mirror that hangs over her changing table.
It's a mirror I bought at a thrift store and repainted with some neat art hanging above, that her great aunt Liz sent her a week or so before she was born.
I now have deemed that part of her room the staring station.

Bryn has also become completely intrigued with the tree on the wall by her bed as well as the patterns of her bedding. I've "caught" her content laying in her bed looking around at the tree or intently staring at the damask pattern of her bedding. Makes me happy.
We put in a lot of work on that tree and her bedding and although ultimately she could care less about her room decor and bedding, I love the fact that she "sees" some of the things we've done. She has also discovered the tree and birds by our chair where we nurse the most. I've caught her eyes wondering and her mouth pausing while laying there staring at the wall.
While burping her I'll actually sit her up on my lap facing that wall, which also has a window, and she'll just stare and stare. It's so neat to see her eyes wonder along that wall observing the shapes and light...





 It's made diaper changes seem all the more fun while hanging out there.
There are times where I'll just buckle her in and let her hang out there just staring at the mirror and sometimes "talking" to it (I don't leave her there obviously, I may still be learning, but no worries on that!). She's even fallen asleep on it, even during a diaper change...go figure!
Here lately she's started talking and cooing to her mirror, or whatever she's seeing in it.
The progression of her facial expressions are also part of this transformation. As a newborn most of her expressions were the same ones over and over...sleepy...angry/crying.
People tell me that is normal. So we're going to go along with that.
The past couple weeks we've added some real entertaining expressions....some of which I have no idea what they mean or if she even knows she making them....but they are so neat.
There are happy faces, sad faces, confused faces, pondering faces, lower lip quivers as well as lower lip pouts....these continue to grow on a daily basis and although at times these faces are hard to read, queue wise, they are so neat to watch and learn and observe!
I'm going to try to get some more pics of the entertaining ones so I can share....currently compiling some examples. :)

6 weeks old :)

When Bryn was first born she hated being naked.
Diaper or clothing changes were a dreaded event in our house.
This was a total buzz kill for me because of all the precious clothes I wanted her to wear but was too afraid to, heaven forbid, remind her where she came from, in undressing her and changing her clothes.
Nowadays, the girl is pretty chill "free ballin" on the changing table in all her glory. If anything we have a great time at almost every diaper change just hanging out in her bottom "nekkedness."

On a similar note, we've learned that if this little girl even farts in her diaper, it's an epic event comparable to Armageddon.
If she dirty's a diaper in her sleep, we're cool, most likely she's in a milk induced coma anyways, so she won't wake up. But during the day between feed times, wake times, and nap times, when the girl lets loose, even a little bit, the neighborhood will know.
I'll go to change her diaper expecting something horrid and there's like a dime size worth of poo in there.
Such a drama queen.

Our little swaddle Houdini...

We have had to come to a understanding on the whole swaddle bit with this little gal.
We've discovered we have a little Houdini on our hands.
From what I've read, researched, and been told, newborns love the tight feeling of the womb that they miss being in.
Well, that's all great and stuff, except when said newborn gets out of her imitated "womb" and starts startling herself awake by smacking and mutilating herself with the freed limb.
Baby acne is one thing, but man, that little gals fingernails are like little needle daggers and as soon as a hand is free it instantly flies to her face nails digging into precious baby face. She's actually scratched some of her baby acne bumps open by clawing at her face, it's seriously horrible.
She gets a "manicure" about every 2-3 days to keep the wounds to a minimum but it was still not solving the real issue of the loose limb.
Introducing the SwaddlePod.

A newborn straight jacket, if you will.

It's the newborn version of the SleepSack.

She sleeps and naps amazingly with the closeness of being swaddled which is why I've ventured down so many avenues to find a solution. 

She will still manage to get an occasional hand out of the top in complete desperation, however the fact that she's not scratching her face up any more, slapping herself, or startling herself awake, makes it totally worth it!

White noise.

White noise. White noise. White noise.
If there is anything I'd suggest to future/new mom's is the absolute magic of white noise.
Introducing 'G'erry the giraffe.
He is one of our best friends.
Bryn's Grandma Christian bought this for us when she was born and I'll be the first to admit that I had no idea what we'd use it for. It's a precious little animal, but I had absolutely no idea how handy it would become.
Where baby goes, Gerry goes.

Yes, there's an app for that.

We may be using it too much as a crutch, but I really don't care to be honest. I went into college listening to music, TV, stories on "tape" when being in my room and/or going to bed. This is a crutch that I don't think will cripple her in her adulthood.
As an adult I still "need" white noise and the fact that she likes it so much convinces me that she might be related to me in some way. We have also discovered that the vacuum and the iPhone app that has the vacuum, running water, or a blowing fan is an absolute God send.






The Breast Friend is our best friend.
I registered for this nursing pillow when planning for our baby shower in Colorado and I'm so grateful that it was bought for her and I. It's not only saved my back, shoulders, and boobies, but it's also given me a way to be somewhat hands free when nursing Bryn.
I know a lot of people consider nursing as this huge bonding experience, and don't get me wrong, I totally get it and most the time I'm right there with you, but sometimes I feed her out of obligation/necessity and need to do something else to either stay awake or pass the time.
This pillow has been awesome in allowing me to have an available hand to read, hold my water bottle, restart Gerry when his timer goes off.

Back a little bit to the swaddling, the 5 S's of Dr. Karp have also been an amazing factor in transforming our newborn from terror to tolerable.
Thanks to a fellow supportive-from-afar mommy, I got the DVD The Happiest Baby on the Block, and it's been amazing how following these 5 steps will get this baby into a comatose state in a matter of minutes.
Through trial and error we've found that swaddling, shushing, and "jiggling" speaks to our babe.
We used to add the sucking of the paci and side laying in there too.
I am not sure if it's a good thing or bad thing, but Bryn is very particular about the pacifier. She has to be in the absolute specific mood to take it.
We'll just say she prefers the real thing and honestly I'm ok with that.
Here lately she's been completely rejecting it, so we've changed our 5 S's strategy to cut that part out and so far so good.
Now the other big challenge, napping.
This has been a HUGE struggle for us from the get go.
With my grandma being here since Bryn was 3 weeks, it's gotten better but in a worse way.
Call it lack of experience, but John and I could not ever get Bryn down to nap during the day.
If we did, it was by pure luck or exhaustion on her part.
This baby would seriously stay up for hours and needless to say it wasn't in a happy way.
Now you can see why I have such a negative view of newborns!!

While GG has been here we've managed to get her down for naps but she was always being held in GG's lap for them and it was always after a good 10-15 knock down drag out wrestling match on Bryn's end plus a pacifier. No doubt we had been over stimulating her, but I wasn't recognizing the signs or the patterns in which we were doing so.
That on top of the nursing binges we had been focusing on (that's a whole other blog topic to come) I just succumb to the sleeping while being held because it was working and because it was giving me a break between feedings, etc.
Lord bless grandparents and great grandparents that are perfectly willing to take a screaming babe with a smile!
After a week or two of this, all three of us (John, me and GG) were concerned about this habit we were slowly forming.
They say you can't spoil a newborn, but at the same time, I have a life too. I can't spend my whole day holding her all day all the time and have that be the only way she can function.
This age is a hard one because they are still in the age where they usually want to be held all the time, but we were already seeing a bad habit forming in Bryn and knew it needed to be broken, even if it meant me not getting breaks anymore and GG not getting to hold her to sleep all day.
Thanks to another mom friend of mine here at Bragg, we started Bryn on a feed, wake, and sleep schedule leaving time for additional feedings if necessary.
It is like implementing the "Baby Wise" method but not to the extent that the method gets its bad rap for.

Here at six weeks, to the day, we've implemented this new method for two days. I'll feed her, we'll do an activity for a certain amount of time, timing it to end before she starts getting fussy or over stimulated, then we'll swaddle her up and put her in her bed with Gerry--no paci, and wide awake.
She'll cry like a banchee and we've let her for no longer than 5-10 minutes.
After that amount of time we'll go into her room, check the diaper, rewrap her, use two more of the 5 S's (shushing and the "jiggling") and she usually is asleep before we can lay her back in bed.
Alone, sleeping in her bed, no pacifier.
As of today, we had success at every nap time. She didn't last the full nap time goal we were aiming for, but the point was she was napping.
We were all getting breaks and it was weird.
GG has read through her third book since she got here.
I can write more blogs!
John has more down time to focus on his healing than having to take turns passing around the over stimulated fussy baby.
It's been such a win win so far.
We know it's not going to work every time, but so far so good!

We've still been implementing the "feeding on demand" style with this to a point. We can tell when the girl is hungry, and considering she's six weeks, she's due (and I think in the middle) of a important growth spurt, so I'm not sticking to a set timed schedule right now. They are just goals and so far, we've achieved 70% of them. That, my friends, is awesome progress!
With that, she's kind of following a timed schedule in her own in a natural way, and I'm sharing the reigns with her for now.
This mixture of methods has also allowed longer nights!
She's usually asleep by 11 (10 pm being her last feeding and straight to bed, no wake time) and she's been sleeping solid until 5 am give or take.
When she's woken up, I'll feed her again and she goes straight back to bed for another hour or so.
Lord, thank you for more than 3-4 hours of consecutive sleep!

On another note, with John's surgery getting "in the way" of things, his deployment is on at least a thirty day hiatus while he heals and gets back into work and training. Lord knows we all look at this as a blessing in disguise. Not only with the timing of GG being here to help me (technically had two babies!) but also with the fact that if he leaves a month later than planned, then that's an extra month he has with Brynlee while she's still this little.
Gotta find the positives!
This is John's last week at home before heading back to work next week.
We still don't have dates for this impending deployment, especially now with the surgery setting things back at least one month, but we know it's there and looming in our future.
It's going to happen, it's just a matter of when.
I'm ok being blissful in our ignorance of when the gauntlet will hammer us down with all the deployment craziness.
My goal right now is to make sure that little girl is with her daddy as much as possible.
Today I totally achieved that goal and more, and it makes my heart sing.
This whole "kid thing" may be a huge adjustment that I'm constantly learning the in's and out's of, but it's moments like these that make the good, bad, and ugly so totally worth it all.

One Month Observations & Confessions

I just have to start off by saying "whoa."
A month already? Yes, it's flown by but let's not say it's flown by cause it was awesome.
I've realized that not just my, but this transition into motherhood in general, is seriously madness.
I almost feel like someone pulled the rug out from under me sometimes!
You can talk to people all day long about being pregnant and having a baby.
In hindsight, that's the easy part in my book.
Being pregnant, I miss it, to be honest.
Yeah the back aches, headaches, all that was a pain, but overall, I really do miss it. Plus there's nothing to catch the food I drop anymore. :)
Delivering her, we all know that was hard.
But at least it was done within 24-36 hours!
During this last month, most the time while sitting through long nursing sessions, I think back to different observations and thoughts I have collected from my experience so far. Some things I was told by people that this is how it would be, some things I wish I was told this is how it would be! But this is what I've observed and am willing to confess so far.....

Observation #1: No one really tells you how much "it" hurts and how long it takes to heal.
Yes, they tell you you'll bleed a lot, they tell you to take a lot of Tylenol and use ice packs, but no one really tells you how to heal. One of the largest frustrations I had once I got home from the hospital was that we all knew what to do with the baby, but had no idea what to do for myself.
I had never had stitches before, let alone "down there."
Maybe this is something they assume you'll "webmd" and figure out? Or perhaps something that you instantly know because you birthed a baby!?
But I could only walk around the house for an hour or so a day until I built up a tolerance to do more.
It wasn't until I had a heart to heart with my mom, about 5 days home from the hospital, about the immense pain/uncomfortable-ness I was still having and how I didn't know what to do.
I would get faint after being up for 5-10 minutes, I was pale like something out of Twilight, and besides the normal consequences of a natural birth, I just felt awful.
Maybe that's all normal, maybe that's just the way my body was recovering after the labor??
I'm not sure, but finally my mom hit up webmd and we concocted a "healing" plan for me that paid off immensely.
Here a month later, I can honestly say I feel great and don't remember a lot of the pain issues I was having.
Just wish that someone at the hospital would have thought to talk to me about it before hand to save me the hassle and to start this journey off on a better start....

Confession #1: I have no idea why people dog on those hospital mesh panties!!
Ok, I know they are NOT sexy, by any means, but when you've delivered a baby, I'm sorry, those things are heaven sent. Especially when you have an ice pack involved there as well!
I had bought a bunch of granny panties for after the baby, like everyone suggested. Honestly I didn't start wearing them until Bryn was about a week old if not older. I actually made John snag a couple more pair of the mesh panties so I could take them home with me!
Any future mama's that have yet to know what I'm talking about....just be open minded when you get them at the hospital....just sayin!

Observation #2: Contractions from breastfeeding hurt like a mother.
Oh Em Gee. I knew they said that the contractions from breastfeeding would help make your uterus contract quicker blah blah blah. But I had NO idea the contractions (at least the first couple days) would feel like real labor contractions.
The first night in the hopsital after Bryn was born we fed her every 2 hours on the dot. The first couple feedings were cake because I still had the epidural meds in my system.
At some point in the night, closer to the morning, the meds had worn off and when I went to feed her I almost dropped her reaching for the hospital bed rails!
At one point I had to have John hold her up to feed while I grabbed the rails or hospital bed mattress trying to breathe through the contractions.
Even once I was home I still continued to have strong contractions while nursing. Probably lasted about the first week or so before I wasn't in grimacing pain.

Confession #2: I had never been so terrified of normal bodily functions or taking a shower in all my life. With that confession, peri bottles are a girls best friend! Sorry if that's TMI, but it's the hard truth! The nursing staff had to watch me use the restroom for the first time after the epidural meds had worn off. You'd think that alone would be awkward, but by the time you've delivered a baby, so many people have been in your business, all sense of decency seriously goes out the window.
I never thought going to the bathroom would be such a milestone to achieve, but it's these little milestones that make a world of difference once the pain meds have worn off!
I am a huge shower girl. Love them and could sit in the shower for hours if it were possible.
The shower was the scariest part.
I took my first shower the day after Brynlee was born and only did it by John's insistence. In all seriousness, I had John literally spray me down with the detachable shower head cause I was too scared to get that area wet or soapy.
I only washed my hair by bending over and keeping my body out of the stream of water.
This routine (minus the detachable shower head!) continued once I got home for about a week.
I remember how excited I was when I finally reached the courage to take a "real" shower, meaning standing upright the whole time, and how refreshing it felt!
Simple pleasures for sure.

Observation #3: Having babies change husbands.
Not just the baby part, but in how they talk and interract with other people.
Our roommates at the hospital had their son the day before Brynlee was born and the mom was having a hard time nursing because her milk hadn't come in yet.
Their son was over 10lbs at birth (and only two stitches, darn her!) and so her lack of supply left her nursing, pumping, and supplementing from the moment their Thomas, "the tanker," was born.
We ran into them when we took Bryn in for her two day appointment and I over heard John asking her if she had any better luck with their nursing issue. She stated that her milk finally come in and that they were finally starting to establish a feeding routine.
John gave her this huge congratulations which just made me smile.
I'm so grateful that not only John supports me in my decision to exclusively breastfeed, but that he also understands the benefits enough to feel comfortable to encourage other people in their journey--even strangers. :)

Confession #3: Never thought the day would come when poopy diapers were worth an epic celebration and high fives. :)

Observation AND Confession #4: This newborn stuff ain't no joke.
No one tells you about this drama.
No classes.....no OB's......no Dr.Sears books...nothing prepares you for the first few weeks (perhaps months!) of having a newborn.
What disturbs me the most is that is seems no one ever talks about it...
It seems all anyone and everyone can think and talk about is this precious, sweet little babe and the fact that everything they do is just so gosh darn cute.
Never mind that cuteness was a 5 second glimpse of hope among a 5 hour crying, pooping, feeding, and more crying rampage. It's so traumatizing. Seriously.
It wears on your sanity and your eardrums.
I'll admit, I've fallen victim to it a bit, posting pics up on Facebook like everything is amazing, she's perfect, and we're the most patient awesome parents ever.
Well, ha.
IDK who the joke is on, but that is so not the case!
Now whenever I see people post pictures of their newborns/babies, I wonder, "How long did it take them to get that 5 seconds of solace?"
Now of course there are some babies that are just more mellow and chill than others.
I consider myself "blessed" with the opposite.
Call it karma, call it what you will, but all I know is I would like to formally apologize to my parents for any and all hell I put them through cause right now, because this baby is teaching me things I never thought I needed to learn.
Now before you judge me in not being grateful for this little being we created, hear me out, I love this litter girl to death and those 5 seconds of a random smile (even if it might be gas!) or contented (awake) silence is worth the 5+ hours it took to get it.
But when it's two in the morning and I have yet to even brush my teeth for the 24 hour day, you can see how it can wear on you pretty quickly.
Newborns are little monsters that want what they want and they want it now, and heaven forbid you don't recognize their "different cries" to know what that is that they are wanting.
The hardest part of all this is the fact that I am constantly blaming myself.
I know I take things way too personally, but how can I not? My job is to know what she needs and at times, I just can't tell!
One of the biggest frustrations I've had is patience.
I am a planner. I am a formulated, calculated creature of habit and routines are my best friends.
This stay at home mom life that is being directed by a newborn is against every fiber of my natural being and it's really made me hit some very low low's.
Not leaving the house in days rocks my world.
I tried implementing the BabyWise concept with Bryn doing scheduled feedings and the parent direct feeding concept. It worked great for about 60 seconds and that was really it.
Finally at Bryn's two week appointment, as I sit there in tears, completely sleep deprived, still in my pj's, and starving with a screaming purple baby I asked about feedings etc and we switched up things a lot.
After meeting with the lactation consultants multiple times the past couple weeks I can finally say that I'm no longer terrified of mylittle monster spawn.
My heart used to sink when I would see her stir awake on the monitor. What kind of battle would I be in for now??
Now when I see her wake up I have a plan, I know what to do, and I finally enjoy doing it.

I hit up a lot of friends from all over the states to help me and support me during this first month.
Thank you so much, all of you, that have dealt with my nagging texts with questions and venting sessions. No doubt they were annoying at times, but I really am grateful for your help and feedback. Even if it was telling me that I'm normal, you were a breath of fresh air at times--thanks so much for that!

Observation #5: I have learned that breastfeeding is not just sticking the babe on your boob.
I researched it tons and took several classes prior, knowing this was definitely something I felt strong about and something I could handle.
How hard could it be?
Well I have learned there are things about breastfeeding that classes can't help you with and no matter how much preparation you do, things happen you can't control.
The first time I nursed Brynlee, she latched on great, things were good.
The next morning I had one of the lactation consultants come by just to make sure things were good and we got the thumbs up.
After some trial and error, we are doing a feeding on demand schedule, but it's been determined that I have a low supply.
With that, I've become a human pacifier.
Bryn has gained weight from her two week til now, but on the lower end of the scale.
With her bouts of long sleep (sometimes 4-5 hour stretches) my supply started to dwindle (shoulda been pumping, oops!) and so when her growth spurts came along she'd drain me so bad I would have nothing left in multiple ways.
I finally hit a wall the day after her two week appointment when she had been crying for over 4 hours and nothing I did worked. I called my mom in crying hysterics not sure what to do and ready to give up all together. It was obvious that any supply I did have wasn't enough.
The next day a military wife friend of mine brought over a bottle and formula so we could supplement her to keep her satisfied until I could "fix" myself and my supply.
It's still a work in progress and we are having to feed at least every 3 hours (with one 4 hour stretch in a 24 hour day) if not more often than that to get things going and caught up.
Some think I'm fighting a pointless battle.
Some of these long nights, I'm tempted to agree.
We've supplemented a handful of times, and I pretty much bawl everytime.
It's hard to watch your baby finally get satisfied from something that you can't provide. It's SO hard not to take personally and feel like a failure.
Ultimately her being fed and full is the goal, and that's all I want.
I am still optimistic that we can successfully breastfeed so fingers crossed on that journey!

Confession #5: Whenever Bryn goes in for a check up, the ped's office has the mom take a post partum test at every appointment. This is actually a great thing even if it is done for just liabilities sake. When I went in for Bryn's two week appointment I was exhausted already.
It was my first baby adventure by myself.
It was the first time I had driven since she had been born.
Can't remember for sure, but no doubt she and I had battled it out prior to the appointment at some point.
I hate baby check up appointments because they have you strip the babe naked to get true weight, etc.
Well, I know I should be grateful for this, but my daughter apparently values her modesty and wants the whole floor to know that through her protest.
While pushing a stroller, lugging a diaper bag, carrying a screaming baby in only a diaper to the exam room, needless to say I was already overwhelmed.
By the time I got around to taking the post partum test, I was at my whits end with a screaming purple baby and my sanity, what was left of it, was shattered upon five minutes of the screaming.
I tested "moderately high" for post partum and was "escorted" to the Social Work office to talk to a councelor so I could "talk about my feelings."
I still have mixed emotions about going to these sessions.
I know it's probably good for me, but that's hours of free time I could be using getting something done at home instead of hanging out at the hospital longer.....I'll learn.

Observation #6: My grandma is the baby whisperer.
My grandma came out to NC after Bryn's two week appointment.
This is her first great grandbaby and as her first grandchild, when she heard I was hitting some rough walls, she flew out here to help me out and it's been the most amazing thing ever.
She does run to the pacifier quicker than I do, but beggars can't be choosers!
What has taken me hours to accomplish with Brynlee takes her about 10-15 minutes.
Her eighty six years of life and wisdom is something this entire household is totally taking advantage of and I love that she's willing to be used. :)

Confession #6 : This is the ultimate confession that I've been harboring for a while.
The day before I went into labor, we got word that John will be deploying again here in the next couple months.
John got home from his last deployment on St. Patrick's Day of 2011 and unfortunately the Army is staying true to their word that the first year home you are undeployable, so he'll be gone not long after his year mark comes.
In this lifestyle you always know that the time will come for another round of deployment. There is never a good time, babies/kids or not. I always knew that our day would come, I just never thought it would come at such a young age for her though.
Call me niave.
In hindsight, she's so young, that she'll never remember him not being there.
But he and I will.
There are so many firsts that first year that he'll miss and no matter how much you mentally prepare for the possibility of this happening, nothing can prepare you for it.
Our solution to his absense is me moving back home to Colorado where Bryn and I can both be smothered by both our families.
ALL of her cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, great grandparents live in Colorado Springs and John and I always agreed that if and when we had kids that if he were to be gone at an impressionable age that we would make an attempt to be closer to home to make up for hin not being there.
With that, I've pretty much had to leave my job behind.
I'm still on maternity leave, but they know what's going on and know the liklihood of me not returning because of this.
John and I also always agreed that if he were deployed that it wouldn't be fair to our kids to have mom gone (at work) while dad was "gone" too.
The reality of this scenario being acted out in our lives now resinates through me daily.
Life has truly changed and it's a huge adjustment.

In ending, my grandma being here is even more providential because two days after she arrived John went into emergency surgery to get his appendix removed. There is no way he nor Bryn and I could have managed through that first 48 hours without her.
Divine intervention is the greatest, and I'm so glad and blessed to have God on my side during all this.

Here goes month #2!!!