LOST

Hello all!!

What a great weekend this has been. The weather has been AMAZING for January and we've taken full advantage of it.
Woke up this morning to warm rain and the first thing I thought of was "tornado!" but so far so good! :)

This last work week went well. Things still continue to be busy so I just keep designing away. One new revelation going on concerning work is I no longer have to pay NC state income tax from my pay check!! Random I know, but it's an exciting thing for us military spouses.
In the past if you moved somewhere due to military orders you had to re-register your vehicles, change your DL, etc. Pretty much take that state as your new home state.
However, the actual service member does NOT.  Stupid.
The only reason we are IN that state is cause of them, right?!
Well the new MSRRA law allows a military spouse to choose their state of residence and not have to accept the physical state they are in unless they choose to do so.
Well, I choose NOT to do so and finally am legally considered a CO citizen.
My DL is CO.
I vote absentee in CO.
There for I AM! :)
Because I have chosen CO as my state of residency that means NC has no claim to my income even if it is MADE in NC. CO has the right to those taxes which fortunately for me is 2-3% less than NC.
This percentage difference is a little shy of what I am vesting into my 401K anyways, so it's pretty much awesome.
Any of you that I've talked to since I've been out here knows how big of a deal this is because it was a constant issue with John and I.
As an MP (military policeman) he always got onto me that we had to set an example by abiding by the rules which included changing my license, etc. I refused to do it mainly cause I refuse to say I am "from" here. He'd retaliate just saying well don't come crying to him if I get pulled over and get a ticket for it. Funny thing is I have gotten pulled over (about year ago) and the policeman didn't say a thing. I actually went to court to fight the ticket and won, so nothing he said was going to make me do it. I know it sounds really petty, but it's a big deal to me for some reason.
CO is my home.
Period.
Now I can legally say that and no one can rebut with anything different, so I win.
Heehee...

Ok, so I have a confession.
I missed my Saturday spin class.
I know, I know.
I have a good reason though.
I drive a 2008 Nissan Rogue that we bought brand new when John came home from deployment. Well some type of chip was recalled and had to be replaced. Once the part came in they called for me to set up an appointment to come by and have them install it. Well the only time they had that fit my schedule was 7:30 a.m. SATURDAY morning.
Ugh.
Well, I get up at 7 on Saturday, grab some Starbux, and pull up to the dealership.
I am totally the 7th car in line. What the heck?
I thought it'd be dead since it was Sat, but NOPE.
I was in the car heading out from the dealership at 9 and the class is on the other side of town at 9:15.
So, I didn't go.
Do I feel guilty?
Maybe a little, but not incredibly much.
My husband had been gone all week in the field and he was home this weekend, so I hung out with him and it was awesome, so I kinda don't feel bad at all.

Now here is the kicker.
I have my measurements from my trainer session this last Tuesday.
These results should make ANYONE workout everyday for the rest of their lives.
But, I just feel like while John is here, I am going to stick to my three day a week schedule. I have a YEAR to work out 5-6 days a week with no obligation at home besides our three kiddos, so that's how I justify it.

So here's my dirty laundry.
Those of you who know me have to know this is really difficult for me to put this all out on here. I have always been tiny and proud of it. In college I was one of those girls that walked around in her sports bra cause I didn't care. Now I won't even come out of our bathroom without being clothed or robed, so just know that these numbers just show what happens when you DON'T take care of yourself.
The sucky part is that it's only taken a year and half of me doing NOTHING to get to this point and it's going to probably take ANOTHER year and half of ball busting hard work to get back to any way I used to be.
So here we go.
Sigh.

Age: 25                                                  
Height: 5'4"
Weight: 161 lbs.                                    
Bust: 36 1/4"
Waist: 34 1/2"                                        
Arms: 13"
Thighs: 26 1/4"                                      
Abdomen: 38 1/4"
Hips: 43"                                              

Body Fat: 32.%
BMI: 27.6

So there it is and it's more humbling than anything.

NOW, I've always had a booty, so that wasn't incredibly surprising to me.
I've always had hips (thanks O'Cain side of the fam) so that didn't really "bother" me either.
What bothers me the most, motivates me the most, is the weight, the BF %, and the BMI.
The trainer's solution to meeting my weight goal, esp once she found out I had a soccer background, was to assign me to a 5 day a week work out schedule.
M, W, and Sat were spin with 30-60 min of elliptical/treadmill BEFORE the class (no more new girls taking my bike, LOL) and Tu. and F were a toning class called Body Pump.
Right.
At first I was down.
I was like, Heck yeah. This is what I need. It's only one hour a day out of the 8 hrs I sit in my office at work. Def won't kill me.
But then as the week progressed I realized how much mental work it took me to do THREE days a week with just spin!
Plus with John home for only a couple more months I have slowly talked myself out of a schedule like that. When he's gone? I am incredibly down. But now that he's home, I purely just don't WANT to.
Am I in the wrong frame of mind?
During the week the entire running of this house is left to me. John's training schedule along with physical therapy doesn't allow for much help when he's home. When he is home he's on the phone with someone, texting someone else, while writing a counseling, eating dinner and fitting a workout and a shower in there somewhere.
Those of us with civilian lives and jobs have no idea.
We honestly don't.
Imagine going into work at 3 AM and honestly not knowing when you are going to get home. One night this week he got to bed a little before midnight and had to be back by 4.
He's seriously a programmed robot!
That body of his can work off 4 hour sleep nights and Lunchables.
By the weekend roles around, assuming he's off for it, he'll help as much as he can with stuff I hate doing.
Yard work. Bathing the dog, etc.
But that leaves me to laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, all those cleaning duties, feeding/cleaning up after all pets, cooking, grocery shopping, paying bills, scheduling things like dental appointments, vet visits, car maintenance, planning weekly meals (if possible!).
It could go on forever and I'm not writing it out for sympathy. It's purely my excuse for not wanting to be in a 5-6 day a week work out schedule while he is home.
The time he and I get is precious.
And we know it.
I am going to go a year without seeing him. Is it unreasonable for me to feel like what she was asking me was too far fetched?
For at least while he's here anyways?
No joke during the week, it's a special night if we are truly able to sit down and eat dinner together without doing something else while eating.

Now, when he is gone?
I'm all in cause I'll have nothing else to do.
So that is a plan.
Let me know what you think, I'm curious.....I really rely on your friendships to help me with this. John can't always be there for me this way, so I really want to know what you think!

Now that I've given you a little window into our house at night, this week it became a big issue.
Every once in a while I will have a mini blow up/pity party because I get so tired of doing everything and not being able to have much help. Now, I'm not even referring to the house stuff.
For example, the tax stuff I mentioned above.
There were very specific qualifications you had to meet to be able to qualify.
I tried asking HR at work and they couldn't help me cause it's considered tax advice.
My mom tried, but she really just didn't know!
John said he'd ask his higher ups what they knew about it to see what I should do or who I should talk to. Never heard anything.
I even called legal services on post and their lines were disconnected. Ugh.
I didn't know what to do besides go pay for someone to figure it out for me which really defeated the purpose in my eyes.
I refused to pay money for advice like that unless it was going to be someone I was going to hire to do our taxes, etc.
That's why I figured since it was a military influenced law that the military would help me with it.
Nope.
Well I took that out on Johnny boy.
When they need something from him he jumps. Doesn't hesitate. Doesn't ask how high. Doesn't ask why. He just jumps.
Like I said, he's a robot! (a real good one though!)
But here I am needing something from them and they couldn't be bothered.
It really made me furious.
This is just one example. It actually happens all the time and that's where my love hate relationship with this lifestyle comes into play.

The money is nice. The benefits can be great. I don't need or want for anything, so who am I to complain right?
Well it's all well and good except that you sacrifice the most important/priceless thing a married couple should have.
TIME.
There is no time.

John and I consistently banter about how I hate how his job is priority over our home. But then he constantly reminds me we wouldn't have what we have if it weren't for it....
Love=Hate.

The sermon today at the church we went to was about effective communication ("LOST," pretty much the best show EVER). Based off the sermon, we decided that John is the internal processor and I am the external processor (on the link, click on Week 2 Sermon notes English).
Basically, I talk all the time and John listens all the time.
Basically. Not completely. But basically.
John and I talked about it over lunch afterwards and I told him how I feel like his job has made me internalize much more than I ever used to.
No matter how much I "pout" and have issues with his schedule or with having no help/back up, complaining about it isn't going to change anything.
He doesn't set his schedule. He can't control what he does.
Shoot, his superiors hardly know their own schedule half the time. The higher in rank he gets the worse it's going to get anyways!
We determined that I am never really mad AT him I'm mad at the situation and am taking it OUT on him.
So it would seem the simple answer to that would be to stop right....???
Ha, if it were only that simple.
I can "stop," sure. But then I'd be internalizing EVERYTHING. Which isn't necessarily a good thing. It's started happening some already and I hate it. Instead of saying anything I'll just leave him be with his work business here at home and some nights we hardly say a word because he's so busy and I know I can't complain.....
Love=hate.
I know it's much more extreme right now because of them getting ready to leave, but to me that's when I want him "home" more!
Whenever we've had one of our tiffs about this I always tell him I wish he could find the off switch and know when to "be home."
Now I think that another part of my frustration is not having anyone to talk to about it.

That's where I truly hurt.
I hurt for more than communication with my husband.
I hurt for any positive encouraging communication with anyone.
A physical someone.
Cell phones and FB only can go so far for me.
I always had considered myself as someone who could handle being alone and that's why I'd be such a rockstar military wife.
I was so wrong.

Now that it's gone I never knew what I had. I always look back on my senior year of college with a ton of regret. I was so busy with work, internships, full ride scholarships, school, RESPONSIBILITIES, that I really have made my own bed that I am currently sleeping uncomfortably in.
Probably the biggest regret I've had in my life so far.

I still think I am a rockstar military wife cause I take on my house and wife duties with a smile and consider it my duty.
I really do.
I feel like that support is the best I can give to my husband and all his soldier friends that I see/meet.
But it doesn't mean the smile is always there willingly.

Duty: a moral or legal obligation/ a responsibility. 


Don't we all have obligations or responsibilities that we don't necessarily like?
That's possible, right?
John's is a legal obligation, that's for sure. LOL.
Mine is a moral responsibility.

For lunch we went to one of our favorite sushi/hibachi restaurants and ended up at a cooking table with a family that had just come from the same sermon we had.
There was two grandparents, and then there daughter was there with her three kids (the daughter's hubs was out sick).
Really delightful people.
They have been going to that church for a while so we kind of picked their brains over lunch about small groups and about church info.
I feel like we are headed in the right direction.
John even made the comment that if we continue going there we should really start paying our tithe there. He's never said that about any church we've been too.
Supposedly soon the spring small group schedule will be coming out so John and I are ready to jump on board.
I've GOT to find something before he leaves or I really will be LOST.