Same song NEW verse

The last time I wrote on this blog was January 4, 2008. A year ago. SO MUCH has changed since then.
John and I are both a year (or two!) older. Wiser? Maybe. We have accrued two more animals, all of which we consider our children.

John obviously has the same job, I have a new one and the biggest change of all in that category is that I LOVE mine.

Friends have come and gone that is for sure. More so on John's side than mine, but the changes always make you look at things in a new light. Some for good some for bad.

John has been gone every other month or so. Georgia, Alabama, Tennessee.....I know there are other's just can't remember them all right now. That's what I get for not keeping up with this thing.
The new home feel has now gone. When I first started this blog I was writing about all the new adventures of moving out to NC and John coming home from deployment. Now I wonder when the heck I am going to get OUT of NC and John is getting ready to deploy again. That's probably the largest switcharoo that's in our horizon. I am about to spend a very lonely year alone here in NC. No one to bail me out on this one. Literally.

What else......

Well, I've gained weight. There I said it. John has to, but his was on purpose. So it doesn't count.
I have started my new years resolution early by joining a women's gym to help me get myself back into a routine and back into shape right after Thanksgiving.
Anyone that keeps up with me on FaceBook has seen that I have joined a spin class at the gym and it continues to consistently kick my butt, however it is in the most aggressive relieving way possible.  It's so glorious afterwards. I can't remember the last time I was legitimately dripping sweat on purpose. This work out routine is the main reason that I have come back here to this blog. Considering my human interaction is very minimal in this town I had to find something to keep me accountable.

John's deployment window begins in a month. Anytime between February and April 2010 my husband will leave for 12 months to some vast terrain I would never want to go--but somehow he does. The passion held in that man's heart is a amazing mystery to me. I could never fathom doing what he does, but as he reminds me, he can't fathom doing what I do.
Touche.

During the last deployment I was surrounded by AMAZING family and friends from all aspects of my life in Colorado. Planning a wedding. Watching my big baby brother grow up and go to college. Having my first couple REAL jobs that didn't include a mall. TYL. Although the anti depressants helped (!!) I survived it well and became happily married out of the experience.
Well, now these ugly emotions I thought had long gone have come back to haunt me. The thought of being alone terrifies me. Never thought it was possible in my little world before adulthood, but my life seems to be on repeat right now, so the not so great memories are definitely raising their heads as well.
I'm not sure how this is going to go, but this is why I am here. This is all I have right now besides a cell phone to call home, my three animals, and your ever entertaining Facebook statuses to keep me entertained.

I added the gym to this routine because not only will it be good for me, but it will make me feel like I am working hard with him.
Even if he is not here.
If he can do it. So can I.
If he can go out here and give all he has for something he believes in, who am I not to do the same.
The challenge within this challenge?
Habits mainly.

I moved here to NC a happy content 120 lbs. on my 5'4" frame.
The southern living and cooking loves me a little too much and I am now a fluctuating 150-155 lbs.
I feel ugly. I feel hideous. I have no confidence in anything I do anymore, which is NOT who I used to be. I used to be fearless and flaunting. It sounds bad writing it out like that, but I'd give anything to have that back.
I am constantly second guessing my abilities at work, at home, in my marriage. All because of how I look.
Superficial? Maybe, but I am human.
I own more black now than I ever have. It hides well! I wear hoodies to work everyday and I work in fashion graphic design for goodness sakes. I've been asked three times since this weight gain, when am I due.....if that's not humbling, I don't know what is.

So here I am.

I have started a little early since he hasn't deployed yet. However I know that if I don't start it now, I won't start it at all when he is gone. I'll be to alone and selfish to have the courage.
So.
I am giving myself until he gets home from this deployment to lose 20-30 pounds the good old fashioned way. I'm going to work my butt off for it.
I am going to work on not only losing the poundage but setting myself up with good habits.
Good workout habits, eating habits, extracurricular habits.
I am putting this out there for everyone to see so that I do it.  I care more about what people think than I will ever admit aloud.
This is not just for me, it's for him too. I can work hard too. I may not be fulfilling my duty to my country, I'll let him do that for me.
But I can fulfill my duty as a wife that loves herself and to my marriage which we both need. I need this so I can stop focusing so much on myself and focus more on other things that are honestly way more important.

I need to find friends. I need to find a church. I want to find ways to get involved in the civilian and military communities here.
These habits are more than losing pounds. It's instilling a hope of existence in this insane world we live in and wanting to be a part of it.

So here's to the first of 2010.

Here is to a new year and blessed with  opportunity to get it right.