I'm the type of person that wants to generally know everything about everything just so I can understand what to do, how to do it, when to do it, etc...
One of the most exciting sessions we had, to me, was the class on breastfeeding.
This was something I already had in my mind I was going to do when I first found out I was pregnant.
I was, however, very quick to admit that I didn't understand what I was getting myself into by committing--hence getting educated!
When this session finally came up I was so excited for this class.
There were so many reasons I wanted to do it.
I won't lie, the first and foremost reason was the fact she'd be "eating for free."
There is also the obvious reasons having to deal with it being better for baby, better for mom, helps you contract quicker, and, let's be honest, who wouldn't want bigger boobs?
Coming from someone that's never been more than an "A" anything in her life, that was something that came into the picture of "pros versus cons", as naively as that may sound.
At the session an officer, who worked at the hospital, came in and gave a very colorful class discussion on the benefits and amazing natural abilities of our woman bodies concerning the making of the infamous "liquid gold."
Womack is very pro breastfeeding, so it's something that by the end of the class, whether you had made your mind up about breastfeeding or not, it definitely had you excited and motivated about it.
For me it just cemented it in my mind of "things I will do as a mom..."
I had been blessed with a fellow Army wife friend of mine, that was pregnant with her second little (big!) girl, who had breastfed her first daughter, in my class as well as a slew of friends from all over the US that I knew were successfully breastfeeding.
This was so motivating to me, it was something I felt compelled to do as a mommy and also as my womanly duty in lieu with having a natural child birth, etc.
I went as far as taking a 3 hour class specifically on breastfeeding later on in my pregnancy which was taught by one of the lactation consultant's that work on the Mother/Baby Unit floor.
Learning the anatomy and even more about the benefits and pros just made me more and more excited about it all.
John was awesome in his support.
I think that "free" definitely got his attention, but he was very receptive of the information I had gathered about the pros and cons and supported me either way.
On the flip side, I was also bombarded by people that had the opposite or more hesitant view.
I'm not one to judge one side of the fence as compared to the other--it's whatever floats your individual boat!
But it's really surprising how people these days react to something so natural.
I was very private about it, only talking to close friends and family about any of the decisions "we" were making concerning the birth and rearing of our daughter, and even in that circle I was get some raised eyebrows.
"You are going to breastfeed? Well, that's assuming you can...."
Awkward much?
Um, yes......
Weeks before Brynlee was born, that same Army wife took me nursing bra shopping, which is a whole new way of thinking. Everything is based off, "how big you might get...." which you won't know until you are there...so I learned that really there wasn't much I could do at the beginning.
I have been so blessed with other mothers near and far that have shared their personal stories with me, before and after Bryn was born.
I was especially grateful that none of them sugar coated it for me.
If they had I'm not sure my experience and its hurdles would have been achievable.
When Bryn was born, we had written in our birth plan, that upon her birth that I wanted to breastfeed her ASAP. Due to my hard labor and "repairs" it took a little longer than I had wanted, but in the end when John finally brought her to me the room was cleared, just the three of us and I was able to feed her and, in my eyes, we achieved it like champs.
I even had a lactation consultant come in the next morning after she was born to "check" us and make sure she and I were both doing our parts correctly. Getting an immediate thumbs up, I felt like a rockstar...for the time being...
As a "new" newborn the first couple weeks were rocky but we worked through them.
No one can prepare you about how the beginning of this commitment to your newborn physically feels. My friends even warned me about it all, but there are really no words to describe it, it's something you have to make up in your own mind that you are going to do, thick and thin. I am so blessed, again, in how supportive John was for me.
I remember the second night in the hospital, 2-3 in the morning, that I was having post labor contractions so bad while nursing that he had to hold her up to me to nurse while I held the hospital bed rails and did some of my labor breathing exercises, just to go through the nursing session.
The first time I finally saw the powerful benefit of breastfeeding was when Brynlee was 4-5 days old.
We had gone in for her 2 day check up (she was really 4 days, oops) and her jaundice numbers were still borderline to be readmitted for treatment.
After doing one of those horrid heel pricks, we were told by the ped that if we didn't want to be readmitted for treatment, that I literally needed to breastfeed the poo out of her and get her liver going.
Not only that, but had less than 24 hours to do so or she'd be readmitted into the hospital for treatment.
That next 24 hours was the longest of my life, feeding her every 2 hours on the dot, day and night--but we went back to the doctor's the next day for another heel prick, and thanks to the "liquid gold" our baby's numbers had gone significantly down and no readmission was necessary.
Win #1.
As many of you may have seen from my Facebook, the first few weeks of Brynlee's life here at our home were rough ones.
Not only was I trying to heal, but my help of the grandparents was slowly dwindling away, John was headed back to work, and we now knew of a looming deployment coming up in the near future which left this bitter taste in the whole house for everyone.
Brynlee, between her 1-4 weeks would just cry and cry.....all the time.
I was trying, from her birth, to implement the BabyWise concept in feeding her every two to three hours--followed by some wake time and then nap time. Repeat.
Unfortunately I hadn't finished reading the book before she was born, and along with all the other things mentioned above, most everything I did read went out the window and I really just took things one day at a time. I didn't care where she fell asleep as long as she did...I didn't care if it was a pacifier or my boob...anything to make her be quiet and quit screaming.
This was really hard on the new mommy morale.
There were nights where I would sit there attempting to feed her, and I "felt" empty, depleted and I didn't know what to do. I would sit there on the floor in her room in tears with this baby just howling at me and all I could do is just sit there looking at her, and not knowing what to do.
Poor John didn't know either.
I did everything they said to do in those classes. I felt like a fish, I was drinking so much water. I was using both sides to keep stimulation even and flowing. I was feeding her every 2-3 hours during a full 24 hour day...and yet she just kept crying and crying and crying.
I learned that almost everyone's answer to a constantly crying baby is, "Oh, it must be colic," or "Oh, she's just gassy, give her this....."
I started to believe it, thinking that maybe there really was something wrong with her that I wasn't seeing.
The 5 S's would work on occasion.
We'd five her gripe water, thinking it was something I ate.
I started altering my diet, thinking maybe something I was eating was the culprit.
Nothing really changed.
I mentioned in previous blogs that when I went for her two week check up, she was screaming like a banchee in all her glory, and the ped at this appointment asked me about her feedings etc (just a word of warning for all you new/future moms, they are serious when they say they want to you to keep track of how many feedings and wet/dirty diapers your baby has in a 24 hour period, take that from something that didn't keep track and got the stink eye constantly, sigh).
I told her about the endless, unconsolable crying--which she replied, "Oh it's probably just gas, I'll prescribe you something..." (when I went to pick up the medicine it was to be given to Bryn via bottle...um, not sure how that works when it says in "our" file that she's exclusively breastfed, so I never gave it to her).
When I told her I was doing a 2-3 hour feeding schedule I got another stink eye, and was told I needed to feed her on demand until she was at least 3 months old.
Well, by "feeding on demand" definitions and standards, that meant this specific baby would be pretty much on my boob for virtually all day.
Wow, was this commitment to breastfeeding another incident of me biting off more than I could chew?
I mean, how realistic is that?
So you mean, literally, every time this baby cries, I need to stick her on a boob....??
Oh man....
I visited with the lactation consultant again after this 2 weeks appointment, she "corrected" my hold with Brynlee and said to try that and to see how it went, but also agreed I needed to feed on demand.
So I did. For the rest of that week this baby was pretty much glued to my chest all day.
Now, looking back, I know there were benefits to this.
This girl doesn't turn down food. That we now know.
So every time she cried/cried beyond consoling, and I would latch her on, and the girl would drink like she had never drunk in her life. That alone, killed me inside.
I swear I just fed her!
How can she be making gulping sounds like that!?!
It got to the point where I couldn't keep up.
I didn't have time to eat, drink, pee, heal, shower, nothing...unless John was home to hold her off while I did any of the above.
Those first few days alone, I was barely eating one meal a day (a big breastfeeding no-no), usually the one that John had to make for us when he got home from working all day.
I was living off protein shakes and whatever I could unwrap/eat with one hand while holding a newborn on my chest with the other.
It was seriously ridiculous.
And unfortunately, it wasn't helping me.
Brynlee was probably loving it.
I'm contributing this feeding on demand stint to her lack of interest in pacifiers.
The girl will take one on occasion, but she prefers the "real thing."
On my end though, because of not having time to take care of myself, I was extremely depleted...in energy, supply, motivation, sleep--anything and everything...until one night I just hit a MAJOR wall.
It was the third night I was alone with her and she had been crying for 3 hours straight with no break...Wouldn't take a pacifier, I would put her on my boob to nurse but she would just squirm, fight, and wrestle with me while on it.
At one point she even started crying while latched on....
I couldn't take it anymore.
I laid her in her crib, stormed through our bedroom door (poor John was sleeping for work the next day) like a complete psycho turning on all the lights with no regard to John at all, and called my mom in absolute hysterics. I couldn't even answer her "Hello?" without just bawling.....Pretty sure I freaked her out.
I was hyperventilating, and it took me a while to even explain to her what was going on and why I was so upset.
I know it killed her.
She was so far away in Colorado and me all the way out here, with no real way that she could help me or Brynlee.
John took over the baby and by some miracle got her to sleep at some point.
My mom prayed with me over the phone while I just cried and cried.
Lord bless her.
Finally once I "calmed down" (if you even call it that) she offered to have a talk with my grandma about coming out to NC to help me while John was back at work so I could not only finish healing myself, but get some energy back and get this feeding frenzy under control.
I didn't care at that point.
They could send Supernanny for all I cared, I just knew that I was in deep, I didn't know what to do, and it was making me not care about my daughter or her needs anymore.
It was that bad.
So many moms talk about the bonding they feel with their babies when they breastfeed.
How come I wasn't feeling this?
If anything it felt more like a chore than something to enjoy.
I wasn't feeling anything towards her except that this was the only way I knew to get her to stop crying, so I put up with it, and I hated it.
The next morning, I called that lactation consultant about the last night's incident.
She instructed me to start pumping or supplementing because it was obvious the baby was hungry and just wasn't getting enough.
Naturally I tried pumping first, really to no avail.
I didn't have anything to pump.
Having her on me any and every time she cried had literally depleted me (later found out the shields I had were too big anyways, so that didn't help).
Finally I resorted to a fellow Army wife friend, who raised 4 amazingly awesome formula fed kiddos, and had her bring me a bottle and some formula so we could supplement if necessary.
The first time we got to that point was later on that night.
I prepared the bottle the way she showed me, and gave it to John to feed her (I refused to feed her that way, I didn't want her to associate me with that "way" of getting food).
She grabbed it like a magnet and my heart shattered into a billion pieces on her bedroom floor.
She guzzled it so hard I could hear it harshly plummeting to her stomach with each swallow.
What was wrong with me?
What's wrong with my body?
What did I do/am I doing wrong?
Why can't I make enough?
Why can't she get enough from me?
In all the classes and research I did before she was born, I never once considered that I would end up "being the problem."
That week alone, we resorted to the formula and bottle 4 times.
All of those times were as a last resort, and all with me sitting on the floor of her room in hysterical tears as John fed her.
I had never felt so helpless and incapable in my whole life.
And there seemed to be nothing I could do about it.
My grandma arrived on February 17th and what a relief it was.
I had no idea what to expect with her coming, but seeing a familiar face was almost like getting an IV of motivation pumped into me.
Things were so providential, as most of you know, because within 48 hours of her arrival, John was in emergency surgery getting his appendix removed--now I had 2 babies to care for!
The day I went into the hospital to pick John up to take him home, I ran into our doula in the lobby waiting for one of her clients, who was in labor, to arrive.
I told her about my struggles and she suggested talking to a different lactation consultant upstairs opposed to the one I had been talking too.
Fortunately for me, I was there for my post-partum session with the Social Work Office, she happened to be there, and John and I got to pick her brain about our situation and scheduled a time for us to bring Bryn with us to have her evaluate our situation.
We brought the screaming babe in hungry that next week, making quite the entrance.
She was weighed, and rated "a little low" for her age at 8.7 lbs.
She plainly wasn't getting enough.
So, lactation consultant orders, we were to not only feed her on demand, but also, even if she didn't demand, feed her every 2 hours with only one 3 hour stint in a 24 hour period. I had to do this for 2 days....She also suggested a natural supplement for me to take which we went and got immediately after the appointment.
We started the "booby binge" the next morning and like clock work, every two hours I fed her with one 3 hour stint in the night.
The two days blurred together to be honest...might as well have been running around topless.
It definitely took a toll on the body and had to resort to being waited on quite a bit in between feedings and trying to get more than one hour of consecutive sleep at a time...
This in itself was horrible timing with John trying to heal from his surgery at the same time.
At one point, one of the days, I literally laid in bed for over 4 hours, flipping from side to side where she nursed for almost that four hours straight--with maybe 20 minutes between each flip.
Absolutely exhausted, and wondering if it was even worth it, we trekked back into the lactation consultant's office for another weigh in to see if our efforts made an effect at all.....
TYL, it did.
Little gal had gained 8 ounces in two days!
What a win for me.
I can honestly say that if nothing positive happened with that 48 hour nursing binge, I probably would have quit or resorted to solely pumping.
I wanted to jump up and scream in excitement.
Maybe my boobies weren't broke after all!
I was so encouraged by this, that I just wanted to collapse and cry...happy tears.
Since that last weigh in, we continued feeding on demand for about another week and although extremely sleep deprived, she seemed to thrive growth wise.
I can tell she's longer by how she lays on my Breast Friend pillow. :)
I can tell she's heavier because I have to put a pillow underneath my Breast Friend pillow--little chunky butt is weighing it down.
Once John's three week at home healing period was over and he was heading back to work, I started to wean Bryn and I both off the demand feeding and it's worked out beautifully.
My dear friend that went nursing bra shopping with me, has kept me sane, while I've worked on setting up a feeding, wake time, and nap/sleep time schedule with Bryn and it's worked out amazing.
The trick that we've learned with her, is right now I've got to be one step ahead of her, not waiting for her to cry.
In the past when she started to cry, I was already one step behind her and determining her needs.
Now, I'm beating her too it.
We're on a 2.5 hour schedule currently which is working out beautifully.
I was letting her "sleep thru the night" (this consisted of about 10 pm-4am, and would rarely fall back asleep after feeding at 4 am, boo....) simply because she wasn't demanding anything, but now I'm waking her up in the night to feed to carry her over past that 4 am mark that she was constantly getting stuck at.
She and I still have a lot more to learn about each other and a lot more to figure out, that's for sure.
But I have never felt so optimistic since she was born.
I have hit some low lows, I haven't and won't be any sorts of shy about any of that.
I have found a new renowned hope in her and my relationship that is so encouraging and it's made things almost, dare I say, easy now.
Easy might not be the right word, but things are definitely easier.
I get more and more daily smiles with less and less crying.
I now get the best high when I walk by and she turns her head to "follow" me through the room.
Her daddy comes home from work "usually" right after a scheduled feeding and she just adores him.
It gives me the break I need and gives him the baby time he needs.
The moments and smiles we have gotten these past two weeks have made up for all of it.
I'll never forget hitting that lowest hysterical low, it's part of the journey.
I'm "almost" grateful I went through it because I've learned so much in so many ways.
I got lots of comments from friends and family stating, "I don't know why you are sticking with it. Formula is not the end of the world."
They are very right, it's not the end of the world. And I was totally headed there.
I wish I could tell you the reason I stuck with it was because I wanted it for my baby and her health, etc...unfortunately that's not the case.
I stuck with it because everything around me was telling me to quit and that I wasn't enough for her, and I knew that wasn't the case.
I'm glad I stuck it out.
I'm glad I succeeded and I can now say, it's success not just for me, but for her too.
I'm so blessed that John and GG were here to support me and cheer me on.
I never thought I'd experience lactation consultant meetings with my 86 year old grandma, but she was ever so attentive and encouraging for me, it's exactly what I needed.
I've never been so proud of double chins or leg rolls in my life, and I'm proud to say that they are all there because of me and our persistence and patience!
 |
| I am in love with her double chin. |
 |
| I could "smoosh" these cheeks all day long.... I pretty much do. |
 |
| Milk drunk contentment is the best reward ever. |
No comments:
Post a Comment