Thinking back to this time last year, I was nearing my long awaited due date, not quite to the "I am SO done with this" stage, but pretty darn close.
I have never been shy about how hard the first few months post birth were.
I think anyone that makes the beginning this transition seem like roses and butterflies is either A). an absolute liar or B). they had been around babies/kids enough before that this wasn't a huge shock of lifestyle change for them.
I tend to take a lax approach with these big life changers, mainly because I have been so busy doing other things or honestly just out of plain, self admitted, ignorance.
I was never one of those women that dreamed of her wedding someday.
BUT when it came, I loved planning it and love being married.
I was never one of those women that dreamed of having children one day.
I figured it'd happen someday, but never really had an opinion or stance on when, where, etc.
BUT when it came, I adapted, I learned, and as we all grew together I've learned a love I never knew I could have/give.
I am blessed with a multitude of friends from so many walks of life.
Some from a long time ago, as far back as elementary school, then there are some who are newer, from professional to military friends.
With all these different connections, no matter where we all are now, I'm always fascinated to see how we changed and especially how major milestones in our lives have changed us.
This first year of Brynlee's life we've been through a lot, and for the majority of it, it's been me and her as a mommy-daughter team.
It's been hard to watch her achieve her own milestones, knowing her daddy doesn't even have the option to even watch from the sidelines.
He see's her growth, in multiple ways, through emails and Facebook pictures.
It's easy to get tripped up by this and feel really pitiful.
If there's one thing I have learned through this first year is that I no longer have a lax approach to major life milestones anymore.
They are a big deal, and they no longer just impact me/us.
When you talk about providing for a family someday it's SO different feeling than when you are actually doing it.
With that this year has taught me a lot about myself as a woman, daughter, wife, and mom.
The first and foremost thing I've learned, and learned the hard way is that I am not meant to be a full time stay at home mom.
I see those mom's who relish the opportunity to be home all day, cooking, cleaning, playing, rocking their children and from the outside looking in, it appears as if these women are just absolute supermoms.
I have found, in order for me to just plain function on a day to day basis, I have to get out and away, even more so, for an extended period of time, not just running to the store for something random that I could make up off the top of my head (we need another bag of broccoli, right?).
I'm blessed to have had the opportunity to have options, and a husband that gave me the privilage to choose whether I stayed home or not, and even so, looking back on it now, I don't regret being home for Brynlee's first year.
But in the end, I'm relieved that this time is almost over.
I know some mom's on the other side of the equation that would gladly give up their job for the opportunity to do what I've gotten to do-hence why I said FULL time stay at home mom.
I love Brynlee's age right now, and LOVE getting to see her grow.
But I have found that in order to be the best mom I can be, I've got to step away and take care of me, and that means sometimes literally walking away.
I have found that I don't want a lot of kids, if anymore at all.
This may not be a huge shocker to those of you that I talk to on a consistent basis, haha, but it's not something pre-child I would have thought I'd say.
Pre-Brynlee I used to say that I wanted four kids.
I can now say that's a huge resounding NO and not going to happen---at least if I have anything to do with it.
This has been tossed around in my mind more recently than usual because of my besties back on the east coast that seem to be those super fertile mertile's where their husband's LOOK at them and they get pregnant.
You know how you are, LOL. :)
One of my besties has four kiddos of her own and is living vicariously through our kids to get her baby bug fix. Two others are both pregnant with their third baby's right now, and then there's another one that recently got restationed away from us, that has twins.
I have to come right out and apologize to my two pregnant friends, because each time they both surprised me with their pregnancy news, I had a good long blank stare of shock, before I had any congrats to give.
How do they do it?!
These women are such great mom's and I am often intimidated by their awesome mommy-ness because they are a lot younger than me (it's true and relevant to me, although they sometimes argue that their age has nothing to do with it, haha) and have so much more experience in this realm than I do.
You can tell by being around all my friend's kids that these mom's, whether doing the geographical single mom role or not, are in love with what they do as moms and would absolutely do anything for their kiddos.
Watching these women with their troops of children made me realize, in a GOOD way, that I am ok with not having a lot of kids, if not just Brynlee, and I don't feel like I'm less of a woman or mom because of it. I actually consider it a point in my corner, especially since we waited til we were a bit older to start a family.
I often find myself in admiration of these women because of the odds they are constantly up against. Most of it is not self inflicted but at the mercy of good (sometimes bad) ole Uncle Sam.
I have come to realize that my initial shock face that comes when their pregnancy news is announced is because I automatically, and selfishly, think, "OMG, how in the world do they do it?"
It's not a lack of belief in that they can do it, it's a lack of confidence on my end knowing I couldn't.
It's made me build an enormous amount of respect for ALL the mom's out there that live and breathe their children and I've come to the realization that although I totally feel the same for Brynlee, I know that anymore than one sibling would be spreading myself out too thin for the other things, non kid related, that I like/want to do.
Therefore Aunt Katie is here to stay. :)
With the whole, more kids? no more kids? issue has brought up a topic I've been wrestling with since Brynlee was born.
When TIME magazine came out with that article, "Are You Mom Enough?" it was totally ironic timing.
I personally am in a constant internal battle--having to reevaluate how I handle myself as a mom and as a friend to other mom's in the choices we all make in how we raise our kids and how they differ from each other.
Something I have found to be the most important thing to me is that it's not the number of kids that matter, it's how we raise them.
I don't know if I am mom enough, I am coming to the point in Brynlee's life where honestly, I don't care if I am to 'their' standards (who are 'they' anyways?), and how dare they question my dedication and love for my child by things I choose to do and don't do.
I ask the advice of my friends constantly, but in the end I don't feel like I need to prove anything to them or society by doing certain things with Brynlee that might, in my mind, make her more awesome.
My kid is better than your kid?
Please.
My kid is pretty crazy, so I cling to nothing. :)
I worry that society seems more obsessed with having bragging rights on their birth stories, or how they breastfed for the first 3 years of their kids life, or they could walk when they were 8 months (ok, I might be exaggerating a bit here, but still...) as opposed to being that obsessed with raising kids with good moral fiber, a compassionate heart, a searching soul, and a sensitive demeanor.
In a more personal sense, same can be said with Brynlee's weight issue.
I have in the past and could continue to let it totally bring me down as an obstacle that says I'm obviously not mom enough--but I refuse to look at it that way.
Overweight, underweight or 50/50.
Breastfed, bottle, or BOTH.
Cloth diaper or disposable.
Pacifier or not.
Co sleep or crib.
Bottle or sippy cups.
Home made food or jarred.
TV or no TV.
Home or work (sometimes this isn't an option).
WIC or not.
Some of these things you CAN control and have a say in how it's handled.
But then there are things like your personal birth story--when your baby decides to learn to sit up, crawl, stand, eat, walk, etc. these are things that are going to happen when they are meant to happen regardless of the type of diaper you use or the type of bed your child sleeps in.
If only we all, myself included, could use that much passion and concern for things that truly matter.
This became even more relevant to me when Newtown happened.
I would tear up often for about the first week post-shooting, just thinking of those poor parents that weren't going to get to tuck their babies into bed that night.
I had never felt so possessive of Brynlee's and my playtime or bedtime routine until the thought of it being completely gone came to light.
I was talking to my mom about it and she challenged me with the quest of making sure that I preserve Brynlee's childhood innocence and don't "make" her grow up too quickly.
Let her enjoy being a kid and don't let her worry or know about things that kids just shouldn't know about.
It's so true.
Another thing my mom, and even other's have commented about Brynlee, is that she just has no idea that there are people out there in her world that don't love her. She's so secure in her house, with her things, with her family that she doesn't know of anything evil that exists.
I now understand why my parents kept me so sheltered as a kid!
I may be paying for it now in my lack of knowledge of media culture factoids, but I now 100% understand why it's so important. Innocence and purity is something that you can never get back for your kids, no matter how much they weigh or how soon they started crawling.
I just finished my last week as a full time stay at home mom.I know there are aspects of staying home that I'm going to miss, and am just not aware of yet.
I find solace in knowing that what I'm headed into, in lieu of being home with her, is good.
Her daddy's and my intentions are pure and are decided with nothing but the best for her at heart.
She may never know or never care the thoughts and steps her father and I have taken to make certain things happen, but regardless, this is a milestone that is good for all of us, and I can't wait to see where it leads.
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