Hope Beyond the Battle: The Big 10

As of 12-3-12.

I know I always start off these monthly posts with exclaiming how crazy the time has flown and how so much has changed. While a lot of things have changed, I have to admit this month has drug by to no end, and has been a real rough one in it's entirety. It's definitely had it's ups, but the downs have kind of made me forget what the ups were!
I have still UBER failed on keeping B's "private" blog on her day to day, week to week progress since I got here. Thankfully I'm still a pen and paper planner keeper and that's been the only way I have kept up with anything.
I have to start off by getting the elephant in the room off my chest.
Deployments are so stinking hard.
You'd think by deployment #3 that one would be used to this lifestyle, but I am learning more and more that each one has it's own set of challenges and adversities no matter how "experienced" you are.
Having a baby makes it 100 times harder.
The burden one has to carry in what John and I have named, "geographical single parenting,"is such a heavy one, and I would be lying if I said there weren't days where I just didn't want to get up out of bed and face the day.
Brynlee is such a joy and I am so proud to be her mother, even on the bad days.
But those days when I wake up to that little whisper of "Da-da?" for the billionth morning in a row, it just starts to make you a little angry inside.
Ok, a lot angry.
Not really sure what/who I am angry at, I'm finding I'm becoming just an ill person in general.
I harbor feelings of anger, guilt, restlessness, regret, exhaustion in multiple ways, the feeling of defeat is something to be conquered on a daily, sometimes hourly basis.
Each day is a new day, meaning a new day of highlights, but also a new day of challenges.
Sometimes I am able to take those challenges head on and not be phased.
But sometimes when I am faced with my first one of the day, it's all I have not to just throw in the towel and walk away.
Not literally. You know what I mean.
I am slowly learning, through this trial and error, that I am not meant to be a full time stay at home mom. And I am TOTALLY ok with that.
I don't regret having tried and done it this far, but it's something that I am not sure I want to do again...I know I'm saying this extremely prematurely, but it's how I feel as of now, so my foot is 100% prepared to be inserted in mouth at a future date, with no shame.
I have mentioned before that Brynlee's personality seems like karma payback to me (and those that raised me, sigh), meaning that as precious as she can be, she can also be an absolute STINK.
There's no real grey area.
I am learning, that's it's kind of an either/or thing.
Because I am pretty much the same way, the way we feed off each other is kind of dangerous, and the hardest part is to be the adult in the room!
I have to say though, that among all the chaos I call my life, there are days where I just look at her playing and just sit there thinking, is she really mine?

Did I really "make" that?
She's just such a cutie, even when she's in a funk it can be entertaining to watch, especially now that she's older. She's such a little explorer, and in such fine detail.
She'll sit in my parents living room and trace the designs in the rug, over and over and over, going over every little dot and detail.
Playing peek-a-boo is pretty much the best thing ever and now that she pulls up on everything, furniture is fair game to sneak behind.
I hate saying that the bad days have outweighed the good, because it's sounds like such a downer, but honestly this month has just been hard, so there's no real way around it.
Onto the progress!

Last post I mentioned that we were going in for B's 9 month appointment and I knew she'd gained good weight and couldn't wait to see her stats.
Well, once again, I sit in the room completely dumbfounded that she not only did not gain weight, she'd lost half a pound.
Granted she'd grown an inch, but that almost made the weight numbers worse.
Her weight wasn't even on the percentile chart.
Her height was 17%.
It's moments like these that make you question everything that you do as a mom.

Maybe I shouldn't have exclusively breastfed...obviously it wasn't doing enough.
Maybe I shouldn't be so "anti _________" (fill in the blank with anything to be honest)....
Maybe I didn't do _______ right...
If the girl is hungry, I feed her, how can this happen?!
Omg, am I STARVING my kid and don't even know it??
Dude, this mom thing is clearly not for me, take her from me now before she dies of starvation...

Teefers!

Whenever we go into these appointments and the scales go the wrong way it's back to blood work, finger pricks, and nutritionist meetings, and at that moment, I was on the verge of tears thinking about going through that all again.
Prior to the move her weight was shooting up since her last documented weight loss, and this news just knocked me down to the last peg of motherhood I could even find to stand on.
This was our first appointment with our new doctor in CO, and instead of making me feel like a horrible, misinformed mom, he simply said, "Well, you just need to feed her more. Honestly, you are not a very big person, so don't get all bent out of shape about it cause unless your husband is huge, she's just not going to be a big kid."
Instead of making me meet with nutritionists, he sent me home with a list of new things to try to add calories, carbs, and proteins to her diet and scheduled a weight check for a month down the road to see how she did.
That night I went to Whole Foods and spent over $100 on foods on this list to start implementing immediately and to get her on some sort of diet track.
Days after her 10 mos. bday we went in for our weight check and within this last month alone since the diet change, B has grown another inch to 27.5" (29%tile), and gained 2 pounds, putting her weight at 16.4 lbs. (5%tile whoop whoop!!).

Her new diet eventually eliminated pureed foods entirely, leaving her to eat (and me to constantly cook!) pasta, chicken, chicken sausage, quinoa or rice, yogurt, LOTS of different veggies, cheese, toast and pancakes are faves, one of my original anti's is now a must which is putting butter on virtually everything (within moderation)....she's not a huge fruit fan when it comes to finger foods, there are only a few we've been successful with.

On to more fun things, B has gained 3 teeth this month, with a fourth on it's way.
We conquered our fear of hard wood floor crawling (thanks Moss family!)...
We can stand-but not move for fear of falling- if propped into doing so. For some reason falling is terrifying in every way.
We had our first Halloween, Thanksgiving, and trip to Vail.
We stood up on our own while in Vail (didn't get picture proof, will work on that)!

So...what else has been going on?

My brother got injured on his senior day (go figure...) bringing him home for the semester early for complete knee replacement surgery (hence the trips to surgeons and rehab in Vail). It's been hard to watch this whole chapter of his life unfold, but I'm so proud of how he's handling it. I keep telling him it's ok to be mad, it's ok to be a bit angry, but he's refusing to let it get to him and I have to admire him so much for that.
There are so many things this injury has most likely shut the door on when it comes to that "little" man's future and it's hard for all of us to let that go. All the training, all the NFL scouting/combine talk and prep, all to go away within a matter of seconds has been hard to swallow...and it didn't even happen to US. Sigh....
I just have to give a minute of this blog to tell you how awesome my little "big" brother is, and how mature he's become when it comes to handling adversity in general and allowing God to use him regardless of how it doesn't make sense. It's something I can't do, let alone gracefully, so I just have to give him a mad shout out. :)

Giving Uncle Drew some pre rehab lovin. :)

Drew's new home away from his home away from his dorm. Hmmm....

We had our "quad-annual" election party, sans my parents (because of Drew's injury they were still in MO), and although my poor mother in law come out the only "happy" one at the end of the night, it still made a good reason to hang out, eat some grub, and pop some balloons.

I'm going to school in January to get formal certification in web design....best part is, thanks to the benefits we get through the military, my tuition is 100% paid for. I am starting out the Jan-May semester doing only 3 classes (9 credit hours), one of which is only a month long doing four Sundays in a row, eight hours a day.
This step is something I can't even put into words with how excited I am.
I have been so blessed in this career field, but haven't had enough formal training in it.
We'll just say I know enough to be dangerous, but not adventurous.
I decided, with John deployed, I had the time, the means, and the opportunity, so the only thing preventing it from happening was me.
I have had to work but BUTT off to make it happen, and class hasn't even started yet.
Having the government assist you in paying for anything, regardless of qualifying, means a TON of paperwork and a TON of time to follow up with people that view you as one of a million other people wanting to do the same thing whole feel just as important.
Thanks to the help and support of friends and family, I was able to get the time to make the calls, fill out the forms, follow up the emails all in the name of my love of learning, and I CANNOT WAIT.
It will take the full year for me to get the complete certification because of going part time, but the fact that my tuition is 100% paid for, regardless (well, I have to pass of course), makes the pressure so much easier to handle.
With that comes the whole childcare conundrum that all parents face when working/school part time/full time.
I have been to private schools, development centers, and am currently exhausting home care options, all trying to figure out the best way to make this transition as much of a learning experience for B as it will be for me. Another benefit of all this is that, again, thanks to the our military benefits, her part time childcare is virtually paid for, SUCH a blessing.
I am planning on having her in part time care four days a week for four hours a day. Two days of the four are classes, the other two are errands/gym/homework time.
This has been really hard for me to figure out, and it's built a huge respect factor from me for the parents that have had to do this with much younger children, and because they didn't have a choice to stay home like I do.
It's made me realized how blessed I am, but it's also made me realize how paranoid I am about leaving B anywhere. She's never been in childcare minus the church nursery and the gym nursery, and honestly, having a good day in either hasn't occurred yet.
BUT, Brynlee will be two weeks shy of her first birthday by then, and I'm hoping with age comes a smidge of maturity and curiosity to be social with other kiddos her age.
I am cautiously optimistic, all the while have complete mommy panic, but whenever I am this way, she ALWAYS proves me wrong, so here's to optimism!

Stuck on the tarmac, so taking pictures
for baby distraction. :)

I attended my 5 year college reunion in Bethany, OK.
Whoa. Five years?
While there it felt like we'd graduated just yesterday, but while away it feels like a totally different life.
Although getting to see and visit with everyone was SO fantastic, the trip there and then back home made it absolutely miserable.
This was B and my first flight solo, and I swear after this experience I will NEVER do it again.
Every single plane to OK and back to CO was delayed...not just delayed, but HOURS delayed, sometimes stuck on the tarmac for the dumbest things ever...like:
"We have too much luggage on the plane, we need to turn around and unload some of it, sorry if the bags being unloaded are yours, it'll catch up to your final destination eventually."
Not joking.
Plus they lost our stroller and car seat that were gate checked luggage.
I'm still not sure how that actually happens. I'm not sure that they are sure, to be honest.
Needless to say when mom picked B and I up from the COS airport she slept almost three hours when we got home.

I turned 28.
Enough said about that.
BUT my birthday twin/niece Emery turned 2, so that's awesome. :)

I have come to realize through this month of selfish self pity and loneliness, that the only one that can make the bad day spin around is me.
I set the tone.
I am planning on spending this next month relishing all the good and the bad with Brynlee, realizing that although she can absolutely drive me insane somedays, that this time is fleeting and too fast, at that.
I am already starting to plan her 1st birthday party and have too many ideas and not enough time or sense to implement them all.
I have been asked, by both friends and family, why I am already planning/buying into a party for a baby that's not even going to remember it.
And for me, that answer is simple, it's not just her turning one, it's just as much for me hitting a milestone that I kept another human alive for that length of time!
Albiet underweight, but other than that, somewhat successfully. :)