One Month Observations & Confessions

I just have to start off by saying "whoa."
A month already? Yes, it's flown by but let's not say it's flown by cause it was awesome.
I've realized that not just my, but this transition into motherhood in general, is seriously madness.
I almost feel like someone pulled the rug out from under me sometimes!
You can talk to people all day long about being pregnant and having a baby.
In hindsight, that's the easy part in my book.
Being pregnant, I miss it, to be honest.
Yeah the back aches, headaches, all that was a pain, but overall, I really do miss it. Plus there's nothing to catch the food I drop anymore. :)
Delivering her, we all know that was hard.
But at least it was done within 24-36 hours!
During this last month, most the time while sitting through long nursing sessions, I think back to different observations and thoughts I have collected from my experience so far. Some things I was told by people that this is how it would be, some things I wish I was told this is how it would be! But this is what I've observed and am willing to confess so far.....

Observation #1: No one really tells you how much "it" hurts and how long it takes to heal.
Yes, they tell you you'll bleed a lot, they tell you to take a lot of Tylenol and use ice packs, but no one really tells you how to heal. One of the largest frustrations I had once I got home from the hospital was that we all knew what to do with the baby, but had no idea what to do for myself.
I had never had stitches before, let alone "down there."
Maybe this is something they assume you'll "webmd" and figure out? Or perhaps something that you instantly know because you birthed a baby!?
But I could only walk around the house for an hour or so a day until I built up a tolerance to do more.
It wasn't until I had a heart to heart with my mom, about 5 days home from the hospital, about the immense pain/uncomfortable-ness I was still having and how I didn't know what to do.
I would get faint after being up for 5-10 minutes, I was pale like something out of Twilight, and besides the normal consequences of a natural birth, I just felt awful.
Maybe that's all normal, maybe that's just the way my body was recovering after the labor??
I'm not sure, but finally my mom hit up webmd and we concocted a "healing" plan for me that paid off immensely.
Here a month later, I can honestly say I feel great and don't remember a lot of the pain issues I was having.
Just wish that someone at the hospital would have thought to talk to me about it before hand to save me the hassle and to start this journey off on a better start....

Confession #1: I have no idea why people dog on those hospital mesh panties!!
Ok, I know they are NOT sexy, by any means, but when you've delivered a baby, I'm sorry, those things are heaven sent. Especially when you have an ice pack involved there as well!
I had bought a bunch of granny panties for after the baby, like everyone suggested. Honestly I didn't start wearing them until Bryn was about a week old if not older. I actually made John snag a couple more pair of the mesh panties so I could take them home with me!
Any future mama's that have yet to know what I'm talking about....just be open minded when you get them at the hospital....just sayin!

Observation #2: Contractions from breastfeeding hurt like a mother.
Oh Em Gee. I knew they said that the contractions from breastfeeding would help make your uterus contract quicker blah blah blah. But I had NO idea the contractions (at least the first couple days) would feel like real labor contractions.
The first night in the hopsital after Bryn was born we fed her every 2 hours on the dot. The first couple feedings were cake because I still had the epidural meds in my system.
At some point in the night, closer to the morning, the meds had worn off and when I went to feed her I almost dropped her reaching for the hospital bed rails!
At one point I had to have John hold her up to feed while I grabbed the rails or hospital bed mattress trying to breathe through the contractions.
Even once I was home I still continued to have strong contractions while nursing. Probably lasted about the first week or so before I wasn't in grimacing pain.

Confession #2: I had never been so terrified of normal bodily functions or taking a shower in all my life. With that confession, peri bottles are a girls best friend! Sorry if that's TMI, but it's the hard truth! The nursing staff had to watch me use the restroom for the first time after the epidural meds had worn off. You'd think that alone would be awkward, but by the time you've delivered a baby, so many people have been in your business, all sense of decency seriously goes out the window.
I never thought going to the bathroom would be such a milestone to achieve, but it's these little milestones that make a world of difference once the pain meds have worn off!
I am a huge shower girl. Love them and could sit in the shower for hours if it were possible.
The shower was the scariest part.
I took my first shower the day after Brynlee was born and only did it by John's insistence. In all seriousness, I had John literally spray me down with the detachable shower head cause I was too scared to get that area wet or soapy.
I only washed my hair by bending over and keeping my body out of the stream of water.
This routine (minus the detachable shower head!) continued once I got home for about a week.
I remember how excited I was when I finally reached the courage to take a "real" shower, meaning standing upright the whole time, and how refreshing it felt!
Simple pleasures for sure.

Observation #3: Having babies change husbands.
Not just the baby part, but in how they talk and interract with other people.
Our roommates at the hospital had their son the day before Brynlee was born and the mom was having a hard time nursing because her milk hadn't come in yet.
Their son was over 10lbs at birth (and only two stitches, darn her!) and so her lack of supply left her nursing, pumping, and supplementing from the moment their Thomas, "the tanker," was born.
We ran into them when we took Bryn in for her two day appointment and I over heard John asking her if she had any better luck with their nursing issue. She stated that her milk finally come in and that they were finally starting to establish a feeding routine.
John gave her this huge congratulations which just made me smile.
I'm so grateful that not only John supports me in my decision to exclusively breastfeed, but that he also understands the benefits enough to feel comfortable to encourage other people in their journey--even strangers. :)

Confession #3: Never thought the day would come when poopy diapers were worth an epic celebration and high fives. :)

Observation AND Confession #4: This newborn stuff ain't no joke.
No one tells you about this drama.
No classes.....no OB's......no Dr.Sears books...nothing prepares you for the first few weeks (perhaps months!) of having a newborn.
What disturbs me the most is that is seems no one ever talks about it...
It seems all anyone and everyone can think and talk about is this precious, sweet little babe and the fact that everything they do is just so gosh darn cute.
Never mind that cuteness was a 5 second glimpse of hope among a 5 hour crying, pooping, feeding, and more crying rampage. It's so traumatizing. Seriously.
It wears on your sanity and your eardrums.
I'll admit, I've fallen victim to it a bit, posting pics up on Facebook like everything is amazing, she's perfect, and we're the most patient awesome parents ever.
Well, ha.
IDK who the joke is on, but that is so not the case!
Now whenever I see people post pictures of their newborns/babies, I wonder, "How long did it take them to get that 5 seconds of solace?"
Now of course there are some babies that are just more mellow and chill than others.
I consider myself "blessed" with the opposite.
Call it karma, call it what you will, but all I know is I would like to formally apologize to my parents for any and all hell I put them through cause right now, because this baby is teaching me things I never thought I needed to learn.
Now before you judge me in not being grateful for this little being we created, hear me out, I love this litter girl to death and those 5 seconds of a random smile (even if it might be gas!) or contented (awake) silence is worth the 5+ hours it took to get it.
But when it's two in the morning and I have yet to even brush my teeth for the 24 hour day, you can see how it can wear on you pretty quickly.
Newborns are little monsters that want what they want and they want it now, and heaven forbid you don't recognize their "different cries" to know what that is that they are wanting.
The hardest part of all this is the fact that I am constantly blaming myself.
I know I take things way too personally, but how can I not? My job is to know what she needs and at times, I just can't tell!
One of the biggest frustrations I've had is patience.
I am a planner. I am a formulated, calculated creature of habit and routines are my best friends.
This stay at home mom life that is being directed by a newborn is against every fiber of my natural being and it's really made me hit some very low low's.
Not leaving the house in days rocks my world.
I tried implementing the BabyWise concept with Bryn doing scheduled feedings and the parent direct feeding concept. It worked great for about 60 seconds and that was really it.
Finally at Bryn's two week appointment, as I sit there in tears, completely sleep deprived, still in my pj's, and starving with a screaming purple baby I asked about feedings etc and we switched up things a lot.
After meeting with the lactation consultants multiple times the past couple weeks I can finally say that I'm no longer terrified of mylittle monster spawn.
My heart used to sink when I would see her stir awake on the monitor. What kind of battle would I be in for now??
Now when I see her wake up I have a plan, I know what to do, and I finally enjoy doing it.

I hit up a lot of friends from all over the states to help me and support me during this first month.
Thank you so much, all of you, that have dealt with my nagging texts with questions and venting sessions. No doubt they were annoying at times, but I really am grateful for your help and feedback. Even if it was telling me that I'm normal, you were a breath of fresh air at times--thanks so much for that!

Observation #5: I have learned that breastfeeding is not just sticking the babe on your boob.
I researched it tons and took several classes prior, knowing this was definitely something I felt strong about and something I could handle.
How hard could it be?
Well I have learned there are things about breastfeeding that classes can't help you with and no matter how much preparation you do, things happen you can't control.
The first time I nursed Brynlee, she latched on great, things were good.
The next morning I had one of the lactation consultants come by just to make sure things were good and we got the thumbs up.
After some trial and error, we are doing a feeding on demand schedule, but it's been determined that I have a low supply.
With that, I've become a human pacifier.
Bryn has gained weight from her two week til now, but on the lower end of the scale.
With her bouts of long sleep (sometimes 4-5 hour stretches) my supply started to dwindle (shoulda been pumping, oops!) and so when her growth spurts came along she'd drain me so bad I would have nothing left in multiple ways.
I finally hit a wall the day after her two week appointment when she had been crying for over 4 hours and nothing I did worked. I called my mom in crying hysterics not sure what to do and ready to give up all together. It was obvious that any supply I did have wasn't enough.
The next day a military wife friend of mine brought over a bottle and formula so we could supplement her to keep her satisfied until I could "fix" myself and my supply.
It's still a work in progress and we are having to feed at least every 3 hours (with one 4 hour stretch in a 24 hour day) if not more often than that to get things going and caught up.
Some think I'm fighting a pointless battle.
Some of these long nights, I'm tempted to agree.
We've supplemented a handful of times, and I pretty much bawl everytime.
It's hard to watch your baby finally get satisfied from something that you can't provide. It's SO hard not to take personally and feel like a failure.
Ultimately her being fed and full is the goal, and that's all I want.
I am still optimistic that we can successfully breastfeed so fingers crossed on that journey!

Confession #5: Whenever Bryn goes in for a check up, the ped's office has the mom take a post partum test at every appointment. This is actually a great thing even if it is done for just liabilities sake. When I went in for Bryn's two week appointment I was exhausted already.
It was my first baby adventure by myself.
It was the first time I had driven since she had been born.
Can't remember for sure, but no doubt she and I had battled it out prior to the appointment at some point.
I hate baby check up appointments because they have you strip the babe naked to get true weight, etc.
Well, I know I should be grateful for this, but my daughter apparently values her modesty and wants the whole floor to know that through her protest.
While pushing a stroller, lugging a diaper bag, carrying a screaming baby in only a diaper to the exam room, needless to say I was already overwhelmed.
By the time I got around to taking the post partum test, I was at my whits end with a screaming purple baby and my sanity, what was left of it, was shattered upon five minutes of the screaming.
I tested "moderately high" for post partum and was "escorted" to the Social Work office to talk to a councelor so I could "talk about my feelings."
I still have mixed emotions about going to these sessions.
I know it's probably good for me, but that's hours of free time I could be using getting something done at home instead of hanging out at the hospital longer.....I'll learn.

Observation #6: My grandma is the baby whisperer.
My grandma came out to NC after Bryn's two week appointment.
This is her first great grandbaby and as her first grandchild, when she heard I was hitting some rough walls, she flew out here to help me out and it's been the most amazing thing ever.
She does run to the pacifier quicker than I do, but beggars can't be choosers!
What has taken me hours to accomplish with Brynlee takes her about 10-15 minutes.
Her eighty six years of life and wisdom is something this entire household is totally taking advantage of and I love that she's willing to be used. :)

Confession #6 : This is the ultimate confession that I've been harboring for a while.
The day before I went into labor, we got word that John will be deploying again here in the next couple months.
John got home from his last deployment on St. Patrick's Day of 2011 and unfortunately the Army is staying true to their word that the first year home you are undeployable, so he'll be gone not long after his year mark comes.
In this lifestyle you always know that the time will come for another round of deployment. There is never a good time, babies/kids or not. I always knew that our day would come, I just never thought it would come at such a young age for her though.
Call me niave.
In hindsight, she's so young, that she'll never remember him not being there.
But he and I will.
There are so many firsts that first year that he'll miss and no matter how much you mentally prepare for the possibility of this happening, nothing can prepare you for it.
Our solution to his absense is me moving back home to Colorado where Bryn and I can both be smothered by both our families.
ALL of her cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, great grandparents live in Colorado Springs and John and I always agreed that if and when we had kids that if he were to be gone at an impressionable age that we would make an attempt to be closer to home to make up for hin not being there.
With that, I've pretty much had to leave my job behind.
I'm still on maternity leave, but they know what's going on and know the liklihood of me not returning because of this.
John and I also always agreed that if he were deployed that it wouldn't be fair to our kids to have mom gone (at work) while dad was "gone" too.
The reality of this scenario being acted out in our lives now resinates through me daily.
Life has truly changed and it's a huge adjustment.

In ending, my grandma being here is even more providential because two days after she arrived John went into emergency surgery to get his appendix removed. There is no way he nor Bryn and I could have managed through that first 48 hours without her.
Divine intervention is the greatest, and I'm so glad and blessed to have God on my side during all this.

Here goes month #2!!!